lavenderskies

I’ve been going through a lot

April 9, 2025

Trigger warning: death, grief

I am experiencing what I truly had hoped wouldn’t happen. But what is hope really but a promise to yourself to be sorry later. Nothing works out the way you expect.

It isn’t permemnt, this grief but it’s still a phase that is necessary to enjoy the good parts of life better. The light is that much brighter after experiencing the dark. But what if what you had was that light in the dark?

The darkness that won’t cease. The darkness that can only get darker before getting better. But it is dragging so long that the brief light that I experienced is all the much more obvious that its missing.

The beginning of my writing from today was about this man I lost contact with who was an amazing part of my life for a short period of time. I wrote about him when we first started talking in a prior post (if I’ve left it up). We started off so great that I knew it wasn’t going to end well.

Also, my mom is very sick and has been sick for a long time. She has a degenerative, chronic disease that has rendered her completely disabled. She has no use of her limbs and she cannot lift her own head. I care for her occasionally when my father needs to travel. The immense pressure I’m under when I’m responsible for her well being is straining me. It’s not her fault and I don’t blame her for it but the burden is real. The worst part of all of it is that this disease will never get better, her only relief will be death. So, the poem above is mostly about how I have to experience her death before I can start to move on. I will miss her but my life is on hold until she passes. I know she knows this and so I don’t burden her with complaining. I just write vague poetry on WordPress while on an edible after my migraine treatment. Goddamn.

Sorry for my downer of a post today. Like I said, I’ve been going through some stuff. Take care, dear reader. Appreciate what you have now since it won’t be around forever.

(Copyright photo to https://www.gabewasylko.com/social.html#/)

1/29/25

January 29, 2025

Have you ever felt some sort of happiness that it scared you? It scared you because it was new, different, and could be taken away. The kind of happiness that actually warms your heart. Its comfortable and what home should feel like. Not like the home I grew up in. I didn’t know what this could feel like before you.

I’m guarded because this feeling could truly wreck me when it goes away. I’m afraid to actually feel this emotion. If I let it in, it will make space in myself. A space that will be vacant one day. Left as a cold emptiness.

But am I doing this feeling a disservice by not letting myself experience it? Even though it will be gone one day, it is here today. I need to stay in the present, leave the trauma responses in the past and promise myself the best of futures.

Medical Results Panic Attacks

November 8, 2024

I’m losing my mind. This might be a long one…

I don’t really know where to start except that my kidney function testing is progressively getting worse. I’m not diagnosed with anything kidney related but I do have a plethora of other health problems. This has been slowly happening over the last two years.

My creatinine rate has been higher than normal since 2022. Every time it’s been tested since then it’s been getting progressively higher. My Glomerular Filtration Rate has been in the normal range this whole time but it has also been going down consistently. That’s the direction you don’t want it to go. My electrolytes have been fine this whole time.

With those test results, I’ve been also experiencing physical symptoms. I have a random pain on my back, only on the right side, right under my rib cage. It comes and goes but it’s been getting more painful when it does comes around. Also, I’m constantly dehydrated even though I drink over 60 oz of water a day. And TMI but my urine is so clear I could compare it to something funny but I have no idea right now. I don’t understand how it’s so healthy but the rest of my body is dehydrated. Lastly, my blood pressure has been weirdly low too. One time I clocked it at 95/66. It gets worse when I stand up along with room spinning.

I have been obese since I was 9 years old, if you don’t remember. I already have obesity related disorders, type 2 diabetes, GERD, and more. The funny part is that I’ve been on Ozempic for the last 1.5 years and have lost 50lbs. That is supposed to help kidney issues but for some reason, it has been revealing mine.

I have seen three doctors of varying specialities and everyone is punting it to a different specialist. I finally got a kidney ultrasound scheduled but OF COURSE insurance wouldn’t let it be until at least 10 days out. Thankfully I had a physical scheduled for later this month already. The ultrasound ended up being three days before my physical which is in over a week from today.

This whole experience has caused me so much anxiety especially since I have such a long history of medical trauma. Ever since I was 14 years old when my gallbladder failed and it took over a year to get me into surgery. All the test results were normal except I would faint if I ate anything fatty. Thankfully my mother kept bothering the doctors until they finally decided on surgery. Once they got in there, they found how deteriorated my gallbladder was and it was removed. I was 15 by then. It scarred the hell out of me and to this day every time I experience a dismissal from a doctor, I tailspin.

I get to live in pain, dehydrated, and dizzy for another 10 days. And even then, we may not get the answers. I want to give thanks to Google for all the information I’ve collected so far, since my doctors never picked up on the pattern, I had to.

I guess that’s it really, other than it’s the end of our lives as we know it thanks to that election. But, I can’t face that yet.

Thanks for making it this far, dear reader. Take care and best wishes of health to you all.

The Great Fall

November 1, 2024

TW: suicidal ideation

Once a few birthdays ago, I went to a show at a local mid-range theater. They had recently renovated and their stairs became a small death trap. They were slate tile stairs and someone had spilled beer on said stairs. My clumsy ass stepped in the beer, snapped my ankle, swung my legs up over my head while tumbling down the stairs. In a dress, no doubt.

I hit my head in the process but I can’t remember it happening. I had to have people tell me later that I hit my head. Well, I also must have scraped my knee at one point because my leggings were ripped. My shoe was lost and I was humiliated. I had royally biffed it in front of a mildly large audience.

What really stood out to me, not at the time, but especially now, was how I was able to stop myself from tumbling all the way to the bottom of the balcony. In my ADHD crisis brain, I was able to think to grab the handrail. I heard a voice in my head say, “Stop”, and I reached out and made contact. I was still upside down and absolutely panicked.

A medic had to come and tend to my ankle and scrapes. I refused an ambulance because I didn’t want to pay for it but ended up driving myself to the hospital. My head was not right and I barely remember being in the ER. They probably scanned me but I could not tell you which kind. I’m scared of head MRIs but if I were a gamblin’ man, I’d say I got a CT scan. Thankfully my brother was in town and was able to get me and my car home.

It was less than a month later, I was still experiencing concussion symptoms and ended up going to the psych inpatient against my will. I was sent by ambulance to the hospital from a doctor’s appointment, so, I ended up paying for an ambulance ride either way. I hate the US medical system. $800 because I told my doctor I wanted to die. I don’t blame the doctor, he was only doing his job. But it took me a while to pay off that bill.

No matter what the consequences of the fall, I am still haunted by that voice in my head that helped me stop falling. Where did it come from? Was it me or was something watching over me?

Believe what you want. Thank you, dear reader.

Life minus (some) meds

February 10, 2024

[TW: food, body image, dieting, weight discussion. I recognize I grew up in privilege and never experienced socioeconomic situations where hunger happened because there was no food. I struggled with money in my twenties and had to go hungry a few nights or live off oatmeal for a week but I always had safety nets. This post is solely my opinions on how I grew up and how that affected my relationship with food.]

I’ve been having issues with accessing my doctors lately. I’ve had many appointments pushed, by months, recently. I am leaning on the hope that everyone in the hospital system is just doing their best and this is just an unfortunate circumstance but it doesn’t remove all the frustration. One of these appointments was with my psychiatrist.

I was recently put on mirtazapine and stopped taking trazodone for mood/sleep coverage. Mirtazapine was supposed to cover what I was going to lose with the trazodone. But mirtazapine came with more than just some okay-ish sleep, I got a new emotion, fake hunger. Yup, I became hungry at all times. I woke up hungry, I went to bed hungry, I was hungry right after eating. It wasn’t normal.

Maybe it’ll get better?
My life’s motto

I’ve been on some restrictive diet probably around 20% of my life. Being overweight since age 9 will do that to you. I know what hunger feels like. Whether it be weight watchers and their point system to zone diet with their zones? I don’t remember. Neither really took. It wasn’t until ozempic that I truly discovered comfortable weight loss.

I’ve lived my life believing that weight loss had to hurt. You had to be punished for being fat. Your life was too indulgent and you need discipline, now learn to starve. Do you know how much it messes with your head to ignore a basic human need? My body wants food and I can’t eat it. To this day, I ignore bodily signals like having to pee for hours on end because “I can’t possibly have to pee yet.” (I blame ADHD for that.)

“I can’t possibly be hungry yet,” was a thought I never wanted to experience again, so, I spent the last 4 years eating what and when I wanted, regardless. I topped off at 322lbs at my heaviest and it wasn’t until this miracle drug, Ozempic, that I’ve ever been able to lose any significant weight. (I’m at 40lbs so far.) And I don’t feel hungry on it. I actually had a side effect of forgetting to eat at all then almost passing out from hunger. (Whoops.) That faded while my body got used to the drug and now I eat a normal amount of food to a small bird. It’s almost like a gastric band in a shot. I was able to be restrictive without the gut wrenching, soul crushing pain.

The mirtazapine brought back the hunger I was without for over 6 months and with it all my feelings of inadequacy and triggers came back too. I actually would feel hungry after just consuming anything. It was impossible to know when I actually needed food or was being tricked by this medicine.

As a child, I had a doctor tell me medication doesn’t cause weight gain. “Pills don’t have calories,” That was his excuse to shame me for my weight. I have been on hormonal birth control and antidepressants since I was 16. I was also 200lbs and 5’8” in the early 2000’s. I was fat and it was all my fault was the general message from everywhere. Society, peers, parents, doctors, gym teachers. But this new medicine might as well be served with a side of ice cream.

Pills don’t have calories.
My childhood doctor

Around the time I started mirtazapine, I was losing around 2lbs a week, consistently. I would have been on Ozempic for 7 months by then. Within the first 2 weeks of mirtazapine, I gained 2lbs. I not only stopped my descent, I pivoted and gained weight. It devastated me.

I decided to wait for my psychiatrist appointment to bring this up because my life’s motto is, “maybe it’ll get better?” It didn’t.

Then, my appointment was pushed two months. Thankfully, I am able to message my doctor through a patient portal. I explained the situation and he promptly (within 2 business days) messaged back to stop taking the mirtazapine. Full stop. There was no, “and start back on trazodone.” I’m just stuck now, in medication limbo, not sure if I will be able to sleep ever.

My only redemption is that I still have my adderall prescription. This is for a future post but I’m pretty sure I have always had ADHD/neurodivergent tendencies and not fitting in, being shamed when unmasking, and being exhausted from all of that is why I’ve been depressed since I was 9. Now, I’m learning how to live with the correct treatment and I would have to say, it’s not too bad.

Thanks for reading.

Weight-Dependent Love

October 24, 2023

It started yesterday afternoon, this migraine I’m nursing at the moment. I feel as if my brain is splitting down the middle, like a watermelon in a vice. The ringing in my ears indicates that I’m probably dehydrated. This isn’t a new concept for me. I’m always in a state of mild dehydration, then I’m confused when I exert myself at all, I almost pass out.

I’ve spent majority of my life (over 25 years) overweight and less of a person in the eyes of society. I wish I could go back to when I was in high school and convince myself that I was beautiful and my parents are assholes. It was my parents who started my body image issues, the people who were meant to protect me turned against me and thus, I turned against myself. This is a longer story than I am willing to type tonight.

With my caregivers lacking in emotional competence and shame-based parenting tactics (Catholic Boomers), I’ve learned that I am not worthwhile, I am a burden unless I’m spending all my time as a corporate shill and obsessed with my weight. Every living second is meant to focus on what you eat, when you eat, how much you eat, how much everyone else is eating, and finally the guilt from eating at all.

This became a me problem as much as a my family problem. I can see it directly in my mother the torture she went through with her mother. I see it in my mother’s sister and her daughter the way we all talk about ourselves, our bodies, and other people’s bodies. It’s toxic.

This is devolving. A good thing is that my therapist wants to start focusing on my body image issues. Growing up in the late 90’s/early 00’s was rough on little fat me with society valuing thinness over average bodies. Everything was “super model thin this” and “cocaine diet that”, all over the news, magazines and godforbid my crutch through childhood, tv. (TV was my ADHD coping mechanism growing up.)

The reason I write about this today is that I’m still plagued by fears of rejection based on my body. Everything comes down to my weight. In reality, I think it matters less to the people in my life than I make it out to be. I don’t have to make excuses for the way I look but I feel like I do. I can’t shake the feeling that just existing needs to be apologized for. The cognitive dissonance is deafening.

I live in a constant tug-of-war in my mind. I am confident and motivated one moment but also, hate myself and feel like a burden at the same time. It’s exhausting. No wonder I rely so heavily on cannabis, it stops the in-fighting.

This is where I leave you, dear reader. I hope I made some sense because I have no idea what’s going on. 🫶✌️

ADHD

June 20, 2023

I was semi-officially diagnosed with ADHD on my 35th birthday. I still need the report to be completed but I received a verbal confirmation. Good enough for me.

When the doctor told me that I had ADHD, I was surprised at how upset I felt. I went in knowing that I fit under the neurodivergent umbrella pretty comfortably, and at this point, I was convinced I had it. The sensation of hearing the diagnosis was like a pit in my stomach. There was a hollowness in my core. I think the doctor noticed that I was not responding well. We spent the last half of the appointment exposing childhood trauma through drawing pictures to cheer me up. It felt like a shadow was over me.

While growing up, I was always treated like I was lazy and not trying hard enough. I skated through school. I was smart enough to be in honors classes, but I was pulling solid B’s without much effort. There has been a lot of trauma around my “potential” and never being enough. What I’ve been learning through therapy, is that I was dealing with some serious mental health issues hindering me since I was young. It was true that I wasn’t “reaching my potential” but I was given the wrong tools.

My drive home from the specialist was long and filled with much dissociation. I can’t remember when it started but I started to feel relief. I was almost lighter somehow. It wasn’t my fault. I am not inherently flawed. That was a huge revelation.

My self esteem is so low though. How low is it? It is so low that not even Megan Thee Stallion knees could reach this floor. (Relevant reference)

I am waiting to hear back about treatments and interventions for the newly found ADHD but for now, I’m just telling everyone who will listen. Take care.

It’s been 3 years…

March 2, 2023

This seems like a simple picture of a statue at the art museum, but this showing up on my feed today really threw me for a loop.

I was taken right back to that exact moment I took that picture. It was 3 years ago. I had gone to my happy place, the local art museum, it’s somewhere that I could, and still can, be alone and think. This was a huge moment for me and my journey though. I had been unhappy in my long term relationship for months and this moment, on the same day I took this photo, I had decided to leave him.

It doesn’t seem like a very long time, especially since we had been together for 6 years. I think I officially ended the relationship almost to the week of our 6 year anniversary.

Was it the right choice? I think so. I definitely have doubts and regrets but I do feel like I have grown so much as a person and figured out who I am since I left.

I still wish only for the best for him and I hope he finds his true love and happiness. I don’t know if that twinge of guilt will go away with time every time I see a photo “memory” on my many apps from out time together.

Take care, dear reader.

Self-Care Sunday

November 27, 2022

Hello, friends. I wanted to drop in and post about this product I started using that had changed my world.

I’ve always dealt with poor skin. I had many strikes against me with a genetic double whammy of acne and bad hormone control, along with [many] medications since I’ve been a teenager. My skin was doing the best with what I provided. I would get deep, hormonal acne from age 12-30+ which resulted in a slew of cheap, early-millennial, skin-care routines and striping chemicals.

Up until recently, I’ve been neglectful at best with my skin care routine because I can now. Well, I shouldn’t but I do. One of my worst symptoms of depression is not taking care of my hygiene. Which is super frustrating but I haven’t worked through that completely, yet.

Which brings me to today. I got a great promotion and raise at work before Thanksgiving. Wonderful news but it ignited my imposter syndrome, hardcore. I’m excited though, to be able to afford to indulge in something for myself. Of everything to invest in, I chose, skin care.

I got myself a starter set of Clinique products from one of their Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals. Of all the products I received, this was the clear winner in my books.

This is a product I endorse because as a neurodivergent individual, I appreciate the feel of everything. For me, at least, I’m big on textures and tactile stimulation.

I find this moisturizer to be both as a product and the results of my skin are pleasant to the touch. The moisturizing gel is silky and smooth. The results for the first few hours are dewy plump, healed skin, as if the silkiness of the gel fused with my acne-scarred visage.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice cream lotion for my hands and body. It causes a heaviness on my face that becomes frustrating. It’s a sensation I have trouble not obsessing over, I can’t block it out when I’m trying to talk all day. I end up touching my face a bunch and causing breakouts.

This product is very well rounded and worth the cost, in my opinion. Lastly, this is not an ad, I really believe in this product.

Coca Cola #2

May 26, 2022

Here’s more pretentious garbage I’ve written:

I have always wondered what are memories? Our whole being is meat and electricity. How does consciousness work? There has to be something out there. Something that connects us all. We are not individuals. We experience the same stimuli. Our realities are so different because of our experiences. Each new experience changes the filter of how you see life. Some for the better and some the more opaque. I feel that my lens has been clearing up lately. I know more about myself and how I act. My general behaviors and where I want to be. But do I know where I want to be? I really don’t because I don’t have a sense of self. My identity has been lost to the constant need to please others. I built each layer around me to form into every situation and relationship I’ve ever been in. And since my earlier formative years were around narcissists, I have no sense of myself. All that mattered was them.

I’m starting to return. I can feel the small irritations throughout my meat suit. My foot feels like a nail has fallen through the top. My arms feel like they are wrapped in barbed wire. I still can’t feel myself. How would I know?

That’s all, folks! See ya next time!

Lavender Skies

Depression with a cannabis twist.

Author: lavenderskies