Category: adhd

My journey with ADHD (not comprehensive)

September 14, 2025

I remember in high school and beyond, I kept thinking I was Bipolar based on my impulsivity and other manic-like habits. ADHD was nowhere near my mind until my 30’s. It took until it was officially my 35th birthday for me to be diagnosed with ADHD.

I can’t believe how far I got in life without the proper diagnosis and treatment. I was so messed up for so long and I truly believe my potential suffered. I wonder where I would be if I knew sooner. Maybe I’d be in a fulfilling relationship unlike the crippling loneliness I deal with now. Maybe I would feel more confident in my career and abilities? I know I shouldn’t dwell in the past. I have enough to dwell about in the present.

I’m not sure where all this is coming from. I guess it doesn’t have to come from anywhere. These feeling exist and are valid. I am still grieving for my lost potential and chance at a different, more accepting life. But I appreciate where I am now. I am leaning into the weird aunt vibe for my sweet niece and my future other niece.

Having children around now really reminds me of how much life has changed and how much it will change in the future. I only hope the future gets better from here. We owe it to the next generations to learn to be kinder to each other now.

Picture from IG: myvictoriannightmare https://www.instagram.com/myvictoriannightmare

Regrets(?)

June 27, 2025

I have many regrets in life and that is probably the root of my depression. Two major ones include not being a theater kid in high school and not being a librarian.

I was forced by my parents and teachers into doing march band for five years. I would have been eight but I didn’t get into the college marching band and was allowed to quit after my freshman year of athletic band (supports hockey/basketball instead of football). Now, don’t get me wrong, I had a bunch of friends and had fun throughout my marching band time. What I regret is not being able to be in the theater club in high school.

I love plays and musicals. I would have thrived as a theater kid. But my parents’ ambition for me to be in the college marching band overshadowed my desire to try out for the play. I just wanted to make them proud. I bought into the hype just to find out the college band was a toxic, gaslighting, alcoholic environment. I’m glad I got cut from tryouts.

I tried to quit band between middle school and high school but my band teacher refused to let me. I was decent without trying very hard. I was first chair French horn in high school mostly because I was the only person willing to learn how to play the French horn. I really wish I did choir though. I loved my voice more than I enjoyed being in band. But it wasn’t my choice to make.

I bet I would have been miserable in choir though. My high school choir was what the “cool” clique did for their art credit. I was a fat, neurodivergent, actively traumatized at home child. I barely fit into marching band and that was where the rejects were. They were my people. So, I guess I shouldn’t regret marching band. I just resent that it wasn’t my choice.

Second major regret was not pursuing library sciences for a career. I mean, I guess in retrospect, I would have hated being a librarian. I hate children. I’ve hated children ever since I was a child. They are always thrust upon me when I’m around them since I am a woman? People just trust me when their offspring? It’s annoying.

But back to library sciences, I was encouraged to look for a lucrative career in college. In defiance of my parents, I went into psychology. I was a victim of a barrage of “you won’t make money in psychology.” It was all my boomer parents cared about. I was misunderstood most of my life, so, studying psychology made sense as I tried to understand the misunderstood.

I never wanted to be a therapist. I recognize a weakness of mine is unregulated emotional sensitivity. I am super empathetic and take on everyone else’s mood. I burned out as a rape crisis advocate after a year. I would suck as a therapist and would have burned out super quickly. I wanted to go into research. I wanted to help remotely. Not hands on.

Aaaand back to library sciences again. I love books. I’ve loved books since before I could read. It was one of the only things my father did to benefit me. To show any sort of caring. Books are a passion of mine.

Monetizing a passion doesn’t always work out though. Especially with adhd. I would have moved on by now. The fact that I have 8+ years in my actual career is a marvel. I give up and move on so quickly. I hate that part of myself. I don’t know how to fix it. My apartment is filled with half-finished projects and crafting materials I never use. It’s a problem.

So, regret is a misnomer, I’m content with where I am. Every decision I’ve made has lead me to finally being comfortable in myself.

Thank you, dear reader, if you’ve made it this far, for sitting with me while I process all of this. I appreciate you. Take care.

Life minus (some) meds

February 10, 2024

[TW: food, body image, dieting, weight discussion. I recognize I grew up in privilege and never experienced socioeconomic situations where hunger happened because there was no food. I struggled with money in my twenties and had to go hungry a few nights or live off oatmeal for a week but I always had safety nets. This post is solely my opinions on how I grew up and how that affected my relationship with food.]

I’ve been having issues with accessing my doctors lately. I’ve had many appointments pushed, by months, recently. I am leaning on the hope that everyone in the hospital system is just doing their best and this is just an unfortunate circumstance but it doesn’t remove all the frustration. One of these appointments was with my psychiatrist.

I was recently put on mirtazapine and stopped taking trazodone for mood/sleep coverage. Mirtazapine was supposed to cover what I was going to lose with the trazodone. But mirtazapine came with more than just some okay-ish sleep, I got a new emotion, fake hunger. Yup, I became hungry at all times. I woke up hungry, I went to bed hungry, I was hungry right after eating. It wasn’t normal.

Maybe it’ll get better?

My life’s motto

I’ve been on some restrictive diet probably around 20% of my life. Being overweight since age 9 will do that to you. I know what hunger feels like. Whether it be weight watchers and their point system to zone diet with their zones? I don’t remember. Neither really took. It wasn’t until ozempic that I truly discovered comfortable weight loss.

I’ve lived my life believing that weight loss had to hurt. You had to be punished for being fat. Your life was too indulgent and you need discipline, now learn to starve. Do you know how much it messes with your head to ignore a basic human need? My body wants food and I can’t eat it. To this day, I ignore bodily signals like having to pee for hours on end because “I can’t possibly have to pee yet.” (I blame ADHD for that.)

“I can’t possibly be hungry yet,” was a thought I never wanted to experience again, so, I spent the last 4 years eating what and when I wanted, regardless. I topped off at 322lbs at my heaviest and it wasn’t until this miracle drug, Ozempic, that I’ve ever been able to lose any significant weight. (I’m at 40lbs so far.) And I don’t feel hungry on it. I actually had a side effect of forgetting to eat at all then almost passing out from hunger. (Whoops.) That faded while my body got used to the drug and now I eat a normal amount of food to a small bird. It’s almost like a gastric band in a shot. I was able to be restrictive without the gut wrenching, soul crushing pain.

The mirtazapine brought back the hunger I was without for over 6 months and with it all my feelings of inadequacy and triggers came back too. I actually would feel hungry after just consuming anything. It was impossible to know when I actually needed food or was being tricked by this medicine.

As a child, I had a doctor tell me medication doesn’t cause weight gain. “Pills don’t have calories,” That was his excuse to shame me for my weight. I have been on hormonal birth control and antidepressants since I was 16. I was also 200lbs and 5’8” in the early 2000’s. I was fat and it was all my fault was the general message from everywhere. Society, peers, parents, doctors, gym teachers. But this new medicine might as well be served with a side of ice cream.

Pills don’t have calories.

My childhood doctor

Around the time I started mirtazapine, I was losing around 2lbs a week, consistently. I would have been on Ozempic for 7 months by then. Within the first 2 weeks of mirtazapine, I gained 2lbs. I not only stopped my descent, I pivoted and gained weight. It devastated me.

I decided to wait for my psychiatrist appointment to bring this up because my life’s motto is, “maybe it’ll get better?” It didn’t.

Then, my appointment was pushed two months. Thankfully, I am able to message my doctor through a patient portal. I explained the situation and he promptly (within 2 business days) messaged back to stop taking the mirtazapine. Full stop. There was no, “and start back on trazodone.” I’m just stuck now, in medication limbo, not sure if I will be able to sleep ever.

My only redemption is that I still have my adderall prescription. This is for a future post but I’m pretty sure I have always had ADHD/neurodivergent tendencies and not fitting in, being shamed when unmasking, and being exhausted from all of that is why I’ve been depressed since I was 9. Now, I’m learning how to live with the correct treatment and I would have to say, it’s not too bad.

Thanks for reading.