Category: Love

Random musings, I guess?

July 21, 2025

When I was a teenager, pre-Jersey Shore, I had a serious thing for men from New Jersey. Very a la Bruce Springsteen in his younger days. (his Glory Days, if you will.) What I’ve come to realize since I have matured is that:

A) I actually have no desire to be with a man from New Jersey

and

B) I was totally just going after men like my father. What is the opossite of Oedipal?

I am thankful that I grew out of that attraction, because I am horrified to have been attracted to men that reminded me of my father. My relationship with my father is one direction strained. He tries his best but a lot of my mental neuroses stem from his treatment of me throughout life.

I know there is some semblance of a joke in there about father issues but my humor has been blunted lately. I want to be creative and write jokes and humorous material but I can’t seem to do it. It’s a terrible existance.

How it’s been going, I guess

June 11, 2025

TW: sexual assault, body-image

I have come to realize that men aren’t that complicated. I’ve spent way too much time trying to figure out if a man was attracted to me or pining after the ones who obviously weren’t. If a man wants you, he will let you know. They tend to not be coy and try to trick you, they will be upfront. Even the shy ones will show some sort of attention to you.

I’ve always been on the uglier side, especially growing up in the early 2000’s and being bigger. (Even though I think society was too hard on me. I wasn’t that ugly as a teenager from looking back on pictures.) I have had the worst luck with romance.

Because of my body-image, I’ve only received attention from men in the most toxic and self-centered ways. I’ve only been with one good man and we couldn’t work it out. He gave up on me long before I ever gave up on him.

But beyond him, I have had no good experiences with men. I’ve had too many times where I was pressured into sex. I don’t considered it rape but I was definitely manipulated when I didn’t want to have sex. That has for sure added to my pelvic floor trauma response. I don’t know if I have endometriosis or if I have too tight of a pelvic floor, but sex hurts and honestly, has kind of sucked most of my adulthood. This is probably why I’ve been okay being celibate for the last 3 years. I just don’t miss men.

I did have someone I was interested in briefly in the recent times but he fell off the face of the earth. Just my luck. So, I’m back to building high emotional walls and just being a cat lady.

1/29/25

January 29, 2025

Have you ever felt some sort of happiness that it scared you? It scared you because it was new, different, and could be taken away. The kind of happiness that actually warms your heart. Its comfortable and what home should feel like. Not like the home I grew up in. I didn’t know what this could feel like before you.

I’m guarded because this feeling could truly wreck me when it goes away. I’m afraid to actually feel this emotion. If I let it in, it will make space in myself. A space that will be vacant one day. Left as a cold emptiness.

But am I doing this feeling a disservice by not letting myself experience it? Even though it will be gone one day, it is here today. I need to stay in the present, leave the trauma responses in the past and promise myself the best of futures.

Weight-Dependent Love

October 24, 2023

It started yesterday afternoon, this migraine I’m nursing at the moment. I feel as if my brain is splitting down the middle, like a watermelon in a vice. The ringing in my ears indicates that I’m probably dehydrated. This isn’t a new concept for me. I’m always in a state of mild dehydration, then I’m confused when I exert myself at all, I almost pass out.

I’ve spent majority of my life (over 25 years) overweight and less of a person in the eyes of society. I wish I could go back to when I was in high school and convince myself that I was beautiful and my parents are assholes. It was my parents who started my body image issues, the people who were meant to protect me turned against me and thus, I turned against myself. This is a longer story than I am willing to type tonight.

With my caregivers lacking in emotional competence and shame-based parenting tactics (Catholic Boomers), I’ve learned that I am not worthwhile, I am a burden unless I’m spending all my time as a corporate shill and obsessed with my weight. Every living second is meant to focus on what you eat, when you eat, how much you eat, how much everyone else is eating, and finally the guilt from eating at all.

This became a me problem as much as a my family problem. I can see it directly in my mother the torture she went through with her mother. I see it in my mother’s sister and her daughter the way we all talk about ourselves, our bodies, and other people’s bodies. It’s toxic.

This is devolving. A good thing is that my therapist wants to start focusing on my body image issues. Growing up in the late 90’s/early 00’s was rough on little fat me with society valuing thinness over average bodies. Everything was “super model thin this” and “cocaine diet that”, all over the news, magazines and godforbid my crutch through childhood, tv. (TV was my ADHD coping mechanism growing up.)

The reason I write about this today is that I’m still plagued by fears of rejection based on my body. Everything comes down to my weight. In reality, I think it matters less to the people in my life than I make it out to be. I don’t have to make excuses for the way I look but I feel like I do. I can’t shake the feeling that just existing needs to be apologized for. The cognitive dissonance is deafening.

I live in a constant tug-of-war in my mind. I am confident and motivated one moment but also, hate myself and feel like a burden at the same time. It’s exhausting. No wonder I rely so heavily on cannabis, it stops the in-fighting.

This is where I leave you, dear reader. I hope I made some sense because I have no idea what’s going on. 🫶✌️

It’s been 3 years…

March 2, 2023

This seems like a simple picture of a statue at the art museum, but this showing up on my feed today really threw me for a loop.

I was taken right back to that exact moment I took that picture. It was 3 years ago. I had gone to my happy place, the local art museum, it’s somewhere that I could, and still can, be alone and think. This was a huge moment for me and my journey though. I had been unhappy in my long term relationship for months and this moment, on the same day I took this photo, I had decided to leave him.

It doesn’t seem like a very long time, especially since we had been together for 6 years. I think I officially ended the relationship almost to the week of our 6 year anniversary.

Was it the right choice? I think so. I definitely have doubts and regrets but I do feel like I have grown so much as a person and figured out who I am since I left.

I still wish only for the best for him and I hope he finds his true love and happiness. I don’t know if that twinge of guilt will go away with time every time I see a photo “memory” on my many apps from out time together.

Take care, dear reader.

I Refuse

September 21, 2020

In today’s post, I’m going to get real vulnerable. I am lonely. I’m surrounded by family and friends who love me but I feel like I’m missing something. This ache is exasperated by the current stress I’m experiencing. I feel that I need someone to hold me and say everything will be okay. Unfortunately, there is no one who I trust enough to believe them if they said that. That’s what I’m missing, someone I trust wholeheartedly. Also, I have learned that you have to be that person you trust. You have to be that person because no one will be around you forever except yourself.

I refuse to settle romantically anymore. I refuse to ignore red flags. I refuse to withhold my happiness just to stay with a person. I have to take the lessons I’ve learned to try to prevent as much heartache as possible. This reminds me of how instead of taking chances or learning to deal with my problems, I put all my energy into preventing pain. It isn’t possible to prevent pain, ever. I think my future therapeutic work is going to focus on dealing with the pain and not preventing it. In the end, creating pain to prevent pain just doubles the pain in the end. Hashtag inspired thoughts. (I crack myself up.)

This is going to be a short one today. I’m still dealing with the effects of fatigue from depression and especially since my financial situation has caused so much stress for me, I’m a wreck and can’t focus very well.

Take care, dear reader. I still appreciate you.