Tag: anxiety

Stress

November 15, 2025

I’m losing my mind.

I am so stressed out over everything that anytime I don’t get enough sleep, I turn into a weeping mess. Everything sets me off. Especially commercials. They are meant to elicit an emotional response and damn do they work on me lately.

Let’s go through some of the shit I have been dealing with, in no particular order:

  • The government is actively trying to harm all of us. There is no easy way around it, it’s terrible.
  • My mom is still sick and I’ve been feeling extra guilty about not spending more time with her.
  • I’m on the brink of financial ruin. I have no savings and I’m still trying to buy Christmas gifts. I have so much debt and it’s becoming crippling again.
  • My job isn’t guaranteed especially with bullet point number one. We depend on pharmaceutical companies and if they lose money, we lose money. I don’t have a backup.
  • I might have to move in a few months. If my roommate can’t get a job (she’s been trying for YEARS) We will have to downsize. I love my apartment. It’s just too expensive for one income.
  • (Update: How could I forget?!) I’m also desperately touch starved. I have no one in my life I allow to give me affection. I’m never hugged and no one, except my cat, gets near me.

All I want to do is sit around and catch up on my TBR list. I have so many books I want to read but no attention span anymore. So, I just smoke weed and cry over Great British Bake Off.

Art

October 5, 2025

Art is the essence of capturing the beauty of life.

Even in the darkest times, there is still beauty to be found. It is hard to remember that these days. I cannot and will not allow these atrocities to ruin life completely. I need to always be grateful for what is still here.

– The devastating feeling of finishing a good book.

– Watching the sky paint in colors that are unreal.

– The soft feel of petting my beautiful cat.

What grates on me the most right now, (and this is showing my immense priviledge,) but the weather. It is in fucking October and today was over 80*F. Absolute madness.

The only solace I held was the joy in a crisp, autumn day. The blazing reds, citrusy yellows, and burnt oranges of the leaves before they fall. The smell of the chill air. The taste of pumpkin and apple everything. Even just thinking about it brings me peace. But right now, when I need it the most, the weather is not forgiving.

I hate summer. (sorry, I guess.) So, it has been destroying my nerves when people are celebrating this weather instead of cowering in fear, like I am over climate change. I don’t say anything because any joy you can find right now, except at the expense of others, is valid.

And climate change is only a small fraction of the previously mentioned atrocities. I can’t read the news without losing my mind. I’ve run out of comfort shows to soothe me. I’ve barreled through all of them, season by season, since January. Even new comfort shows are being overplayed.

I just need a release.

My journey with ADHD (not comprehensive)

September 14, 2025

I remember in high school and beyond, I kept thinking I was Bipolar based on my impulsivity and other manic-like habits. ADHD was nowhere near my mind until my 30’s. It took until it was officially my 35th birthday for me to be diagnosed with ADHD.

I can’t believe how far I got in life without the proper diagnosis and treatment. I was so messed up for so long and I truly believe my potential suffered. I wonder where I would be if I knew sooner. Maybe I’d be in a fulfilling relationship unlike the crippling loneliness I deal with now. Maybe I would feel more confident in my career and abilities? I know I shouldn’t dwell in the past. I have enough to dwell about in the present.

I’m not sure where all this is coming from. I guess it doesn’t have to come from anywhere. These feeling exist and are valid. I am still grieving for my lost potential and chance at a different, more accepting life. But I appreciate where I am now. I am leaning into the weird aunt vibe for my sweet niece and my future other niece.

Having children around now really reminds me of how much life has changed and how much it will change in the future. I only hope the future gets better from here. We owe it to the next generations to learn to be kinder to each other now.

Picture from IG: myvictoriannightmare https://www.instagram.com/myvictoriannightmare

Medical Results Panic Attacks

November 8, 2024

I’m losing my mind. This might be a long one…

I don’t really know where to start except that my kidney function testing is progressively getting worse. I’m not diagnosed with anything kidney related but I do have a plethora of other health problems. This has been slowly happening over the last two years.

My creatinine rate has been higher than normal since 2022. Every time it’s been tested since then it’s been getting progressively higher. My Glomerular Filtration Rate has been in the normal range this whole time but it has also been going down consistently. That’s the direction you don’t want it to go. My electrolytes have been fine this whole time.

With those test results, I’ve been also experiencing physical symptoms. I have a random pain on my back, only on the right side, right under my rib cage. It comes and goes but it’s been getting more painful when it does comes around. Also, I’m constantly dehydrated even though I drink over 60 oz of water a day. And TMI but my urine is so clear I could compare it to something funny but I have no idea right now. I don’t understand how it’s so healthy but the rest of my body is dehydrated. Lastly, my blood pressure has been weirdly low too. One time I clocked it at 95/66. It gets worse when I stand up along with room spinning.

I have been obese since I was 9 years old, if you don’t remember. I already have obesity related disorders, type 2 diabetes, GERD, and more. The funny part is that I’ve been on Ozempic for the last 1.5 years and have lost 50lbs. That is supposed to help kidney issues but for some reason, it has been revealing mine.

I have seen three doctors of varying specialities and everyone is punting it to a different specialist. I finally got a kidney ultrasound scheduled but OF COURSE insurance wouldn’t let it be until at least 10 days out. Thankfully I had a physical scheduled for later this month already. The ultrasound ended up being three days before my physical which is in over a week from today.

This whole experience has caused me so much anxiety especially since I have such a long history of medical trauma. Ever since I was 14 years old when my gallbladder failed and it took over a year to get me into surgery. All the test results were normal except I would faint if I ate anything fatty. Thankfully my mother kept bothering the doctors until they finally decided on surgery. Once they got in there, they found how deteriorated my gallbladder was and it was removed. I was 15 by then. It scarred the hell out of me and to this day every time I experience a dismissal from a doctor, I tailspin.

I get to live in pain, dehydrated, and dizzy for another 10 days. And even then, we may not get the answers. I want to give thanks to Google for all the information I’ve collected so far, since my doctors never picked up on the pattern, I had to.

I guess that’s it really, other than it’s the end of our lives as we know it thanks to that election. But, I can’t face that yet.

Thanks for making it this far, dear reader. Take care and best wishes of health to you all.

Life minus (some) meds

February 10, 2024

[TW: food, body image, dieting, weight discussion. I recognize I grew up in privilege and never experienced socioeconomic situations where hunger happened because there was no food. I struggled with money in my twenties and had to go hungry a few nights or live off oatmeal for a week but I always had safety nets. This post is solely my opinions on how I grew up and how that affected my relationship with food.]

I’ve been having issues with accessing my doctors lately. I’ve had many appointments pushed, by months, recently. I am leaning on the hope that everyone in the hospital system is just doing their best and this is just an unfortunate circumstance but it doesn’t remove all the frustration. One of these appointments was with my psychiatrist.

I was recently put on mirtazapine and stopped taking trazodone for mood/sleep coverage. Mirtazapine was supposed to cover what I was going to lose with the trazodone. But mirtazapine came with more than just some okay-ish sleep, I got a new emotion, fake hunger. Yup, I became hungry at all times. I woke up hungry, I went to bed hungry, I was hungry right after eating. It wasn’t normal.

Maybe it’ll get better?

My life’s motto

I’ve been on some restrictive diet probably around 20% of my life. Being overweight since age 9 will do that to you. I know what hunger feels like. Whether it be weight watchers and their point system to zone diet with their zones? I don’t remember. Neither really took. It wasn’t until ozempic that I truly discovered comfortable weight loss.

I’ve lived my life believing that weight loss had to hurt. You had to be punished for being fat. Your life was too indulgent and you need discipline, now learn to starve. Do you know how much it messes with your head to ignore a basic human need? My body wants food and I can’t eat it. To this day, I ignore bodily signals like having to pee for hours on end because “I can’t possibly have to pee yet.” (I blame ADHD for that.)

“I can’t possibly be hungry yet,” was a thought I never wanted to experience again, so, I spent the last 4 years eating what and when I wanted, regardless. I topped off at 322lbs at my heaviest and it wasn’t until this miracle drug, Ozempic, that I’ve ever been able to lose any significant weight. (I’m at 40lbs so far.) And I don’t feel hungry on it. I actually had a side effect of forgetting to eat at all then almost passing out from hunger. (Whoops.) That faded while my body got used to the drug and now I eat a normal amount of food to a small bird. It’s almost like a gastric band in a shot. I was able to be restrictive without the gut wrenching, soul crushing pain.

The mirtazapine brought back the hunger I was without for over 6 months and with it all my feelings of inadequacy and triggers came back too. I actually would feel hungry after just consuming anything. It was impossible to know when I actually needed food or was being tricked by this medicine.

As a child, I had a doctor tell me medication doesn’t cause weight gain. “Pills don’t have calories,” That was his excuse to shame me for my weight. I have been on hormonal birth control and antidepressants since I was 16. I was also 200lbs and 5’8” in the early 2000’s. I was fat and it was all my fault was the general message from everywhere. Society, peers, parents, doctors, gym teachers. But this new medicine might as well be served with a side of ice cream.

Pills don’t have calories.

My childhood doctor

Around the time I started mirtazapine, I was losing around 2lbs a week, consistently. I would have been on Ozempic for 7 months by then. Within the first 2 weeks of mirtazapine, I gained 2lbs. I not only stopped my descent, I pivoted and gained weight. It devastated me.

I decided to wait for my psychiatrist appointment to bring this up because my life’s motto is, “maybe it’ll get better?” It didn’t.

Then, my appointment was pushed two months. Thankfully, I am able to message my doctor through a patient portal. I explained the situation and he promptly (within 2 business days) messaged back to stop taking the mirtazapine. Full stop. There was no, “and start back on trazodone.” I’m just stuck now, in medication limbo, not sure if I will be able to sleep ever.

My only redemption is that I still have my adderall prescription. This is for a future post but I’m pretty sure I have always had ADHD/neurodivergent tendencies and not fitting in, being shamed when unmasking, and being exhausted from all of that is why I’ve been depressed since I was 9. Now, I’m learning how to live with the correct treatment and I would have to say, it’s not too bad.

Thanks for reading.

ADHD

June 20, 2023

I was semi-officially diagnosed with ADHD on my 35th birthday. I still need the report to be completed but I received a verbal confirmation. Good enough for me.

When the doctor told me that I had ADHD, I was surprised at how upset I felt. I went in knowing that I fit under the neurodivergent umbrella pretty comfortably, and at this point, I was convinced I had it. The sensation of hearing the diagnosis was like a pit in my stomach. There was a hollowness in my core. I think the doctor noticed that I was not responding well. We spent the last half of the appointment exposing childhood trauma through drawing pictures to cheer me up. It felt like a shadow was over me.

While growing up, I was always treated like I was lazy and not trying hard enough. I skated through school. I was smart enough to be in honors classes, but I was pulling solid B’s without much effort. There has been a lot of trauma around my “potential” and never being enough. What I’ve been learning through therapy, is that I was dealing with some serious mental health issues hindering me since I was young. It was true that I wasn’t “reaching my potential” but I was given the wrong tools.

My drive home from the specialist was long and filled with much dissociation. I can’t remember when it started but I started to feel relief. I was almost lighter somehow. It wasn’t my fault. I am not inherently flawed. That was a huge revelation.

My self esteem is so low though. How low is it? It is so low that not even Megan Thee Stallion knees could reach this floor. (Relevant reference)

I am waiting to hear back about treatments and interventions for the newly found ADHD but for now, I’m just telling everyone who will listen. Take care.

Self-Care Sunday

November 27, 2022

Hello, friends. I wanted to drop in and post about this product I started using that had changed my world.

I’ve always dealt with poor skin. I had many strikes against me with a genetic double whammy of acne and bad hormone control, along with [many] medications since I’ve been a teenager. My skin was doing the best with what I provided. I would get deep, hormonal acne from age 12-30+ which resulted in a slew of cheap, early-millennial, skin-care routines and striping chemicals.

Up until recently, I’ve been neglectful at best with my skin care routine because I can now. Well, I shouldn’t but I do. One of my worst symptoms of depression is not taking care of my hygiene. Which is super frustrating but I haven’t worked through that completely, yet.

Which brings me to today. I got a great promotion and raise at work before Thanksgiving. Wonderful news but it ignited my imposter syndrome, hardcore. I’m excited though, to be able to afford to indulge in something for myself. Of everything to invest in, I chose, skin care.

I got myself a starter set of Clinique products from one of their Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals. Of all the products I received, this was the clear winner in my books.

Clinique Moisture Surge

This is a product I endorse because as a neurodivergent individual, I appreciate the feel of everything. For me, at least, I’m big on textures and tactile stimulation.

I find this moisturizer to be both as a product and the results of my skin are pleasant to the touch. The moisturizing gel is silky and smooth. The results for the first few hours are dewy plump, healed skin, as if the silkiness of the gel fused with my acne-scarred visage.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice cream lotion for my hands and body. It causes a heaviness on my face that becomes frustrating. It’s a sensation I have trouble not obsessing over, I can’t block it out when I’m trying to talk all day. I end up touching my face a bunch and causing breakouts.

This product is very well rounded and worth the cost, in my opinion. Lastly, this is not an ad, I really believe in this product.

Working

October 29, 2020

This is going to be a quick post again. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned my job before but I’m in the technology industry. As a woman in tech, even though it’s 2020, I still face challenges. Today, for instance, I was forcibly muted during a Zoom meeting for talking at the same time as someone else on my team. We both started talking at the same time and somehow I was chosen to be shut-up over the man speaking. And the host of the meeting was a man. My manager happened to be out at the time and she is one of only two other women on my team.

This may not be about gender but it isn’t the first time my opinion was disregarded over a man’s opinion and I expect it won’t be the last. I want to believe that the people I work with are good people but I guess that might be false hope.

I hope you have an amazing day, reader. Take care of yourself.

Learning to write well

October 17, 2020

Hello, dear reader. I hope you’ve been surviving and thriving. I am starting a new book that I’ve had sitting on my book shelf for two or so years. “On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft” -Stephen King. I’m hoping that this will be a step in the best direction for me to develop any skills in writing.

I have about ten drafts in my phone of blog posts I am hoping to develop soon. One day. Take care, reader. I still appreciate you.

I Refuse

September 21, 2020

In today’s post, I’m going to get real vulnerable. I am lonely. I’m surrounded by family and friends who love me but I feel like I’m missing something. This ache is exasperated by the current stress I’m experiencing. I feel that I need someone to hold me and say everything will be okay. Unfortunately, there is no one who I trust enough to believe them if they said that. That’s what I’m missing, someone I trust wholeheartedly. Also, I have learned that you have to be that person you trust. You have to be that person because no one will be around you forever except yourself.

I refuse to settle romantically anymore. I refuse to ignore red flags. I refuse to withhold my happiness just to stay with a person. I have to take the lessons I’ve learned to try to prevent as much heartache as possible. This reminds me of how instead of taking chances or learning to deal with my problems, I put all my energy into preventing pain. It isn’t possible to prevent pain, ever. I think my future therapeutic work is going to focus on dealing with the pain and not preventing it. In the end, creating pain to prevent pain just doubles the pain in the end. Hashtag inspired thoughts. (I crack myself up.)

This is going to be a short one today. I’m still dealing with the effects of fatigue from depression and especially since my financial situation has caused so much stress for me, I’m a wreck and can’t focus very well.

Take care, dear reader. I still appreciate you.