Tag: anxiety

Imposter Syndrome

September 14, 2020

Greetings, dear reader. Thank you for coming back after my week long break. I was having some issues with concentration and depression over the last few weeks so I appreciate the break I took. Let’s get on to the next topic!

I was recently promoted to a more technical, leadership role at my company. Nothing huge, I just get to mentor people who are in my previous position. I am ecstatic about this promotion. I have worked my ass off to be considered and I actually got it over someone with more seniority. That felt both amazing and worrisome. I am still on the team with the man I got the promotion over. (He is very kind so I really am just projecting my feelings that I would have had if he was chosen over me.)


Now that I am in this position, I have a crippling amount of imposter syndrome. For those who don’t know what that means:

A psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments or talents and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.

Wikipedia


I don’t trust in my abilities anymore. Before the promotion, I believed I was capable and even excelling at my position but now I am completely filled with doubt. Occasionally, when I am filled with this much anxiety, it actually fuels me to do better. I use the excessive worry and restlessness to my advantage. Unfortunately, this time, I’m paralyzed by this fear. I feel like I can barely do my job. I’m failing those who believed in me enough to promote me. This is especially crippling because I was promoted over someone else. I want to give the job back and have the other guy get promoted.


I’m not sure what I’m going to do as I haven’t really meditated on this anxiety and processed it yet. I will have to update you all later on how this all works out. Take care, reader. I hope you have a great week.

“Sorry I said I hate you”

August 24, 2020

TW: Suicide attempt and run on sentences


One of my favorite comedians is Brendan Eyre. He is hilarious, of course, but he is also genuine and courageous. He and I share many similarities when it comes to mental illness and history of treatments. I can’t help but appreciate the honesty in his comedy. Don’t get me wrong, his whole act isn’t about mental illness so be prepared to hear jokes about sex and the like. I will warn you though, I was triggered by one of his jokes but I still was able to laugh the whole time. That said, take my warning with a grain of salt. I mean it when I say our histories are very similar and hearing about his suicide attempt really reminded me of my first one when I was 20. I also had a drink that night and I’m really not supposed to drink anymore. It made me really vulnerable to a break down. With my five psych meds I take daily and the TMS treatment, alcohol is the last thing I need to consume. I do it anyway because a part of me wants to feel normal occasionally.


I saw Brendan in an intimate, comedy show recently. It was a Thursday night during the quarantine so the fact that there were only 30+ people in the audience didn’t reflect the caliber of talent on that stage but made me feel special that I was experiencing it. I knew Cleveland had a healthy comedy scene and it was confirmed because each comedian that night was from Cleveland and each one made me burst out laughing. Normally my social anxiety would have kicked in because I went to the show alone and was sat right in the front row. I was especially nervous. My nerves melted away with the first comic, thankfully, and I was able to enjoy the show. I knew that they were probably just as nervous as I was and that made me feel connected to the comics. Whenever I feel connected to an artist, I always enjoy the art even more. I have always agreed that laughter is important in life. If stand up comedy isn’t your thing, hopefully you find something that does make you laugh.


To reference the title of this blog post, after the show, I was such a wreck that I actually yelled at Brendan that I hated him. He looked hurt at my comment but seemed to realize shortly that I was sobbing behind my mask. I explained being triggered and he said one of the only responses I appreciate hearing when learning about my first suicide attempt, “I’m glad you’re still here.” My therapist when I was 20, before she had to end our therapy, told me she was glad I was still alive when I saw her after leaving the psych ward. I lost her because she was a school counselor and not a full therapist. She couldn’t handle me anymore. She was the first therapist I lost due to my severe case. I felt so horrible about yelling at Brendan after that I sent him an Instagram DM apologizing. He was very gracious and explained he appreciated my attendance at the show and not to worry about it.


I highly recommend checking out Brendan on YouTube or social media. His tweets are really entertaining. I actually took one of his tweets and created a painting. It is without doubt one of my favorite paintings I’ve ever done. I will link a few places to check him out below. Thank you, reader, for taking another journey with me. Be well.

@EyreBud (Twitter)
YouTube
The Rad Dudecast (Spotify) (Apple Podcasts)

Initial Thoughts Part 2

August 17, 2020

Back to the cliffhanger from last week. There are many different options to sell your junk. Online is most popular but also is the most likely for you to be scammed out of your money and tech. The first website I tried was Decluttr. Everything seemed to be going great. I was getting top dollar for my tech and even some money on old DVDs. My total was going to be a cash payout of around $270. Cash. That would be important in my decision to go with them. The other options included Best Buy and GameStop. The problem with those retailers was that I would only receive credit to the respective store. What was I going to do with $200 of GameStop credit if I was selling my Nintendo Switch? That store was dropped very quickly, which left me with Best Buy. Their website was very easy to use and promised me a great amount back for my tech. A positive was there were a lot more options for future purchases at Best Buy than GameStop. So, I made an appointment and reformatted all my devices.

Now you might be wondering to yourself, “But Marie, what about Decluttr?” Dear reader, I did not forget about Decluttr, they forgot about me. I committed to selling to them and did all the electronic paperwork to get my money. When it came to downloading the “Welcome Pack” as they put it which had the shipping labels, the pdf was not only blank but also not the correct file extension. To be honest, I’m pretty sure I have some sort of malware on my computer from trying to open the file. I did what any desperate individual would do, I contacted Customer Support. Not only was I sent a generic email based on a few keywords in my message, they claimed that if I replied above a line on their email, I would get a response. I did not. I got the same generic email sent to me three times with each response. I thankfully was able to cancel my commitment to them and hopefully won’t lose too much personal information to scammers.

Back to Best Buy. I went to my appointment looking like a lunatic with a cat tote bag full of wires and electronics. Everyone at Best Buy was very friendly and I got about $151 of store credit. For those of you following along, that seems pretty low, right? I was expecting about $270 from Best Buy but the team member clued me into a secret about my Switch. If I posted it on Facebook Marketplace, I could get over twice that Best Buy would give me. Now, I loathe dealing with people on marketplace websites. I’m always getting under bid and harassed about my product. I took a chance though and brought home my Switch to sell on Facebook.

Let me remind you, I walked into Best Buy with a tote bag full of electronics. No one stopped me at the door on my way in to ask what the hell was I doing and to my surprise no one stopped me from leaving to check my bag. I was 32 years old, white woman and was barely glanced at walking out of the store with what they could have thought was merchandise. If my roommate of color was with me or god forbid she went alone, I bet she would have been turned away. Now I can’t really in good conscious speculate that it was because I’m white or maybe even my kind eyes that got me through that door but it gave me pause.

I had my Switch all assembled on my floor with the half a dozen required accessories and too much cat hair to admit to, and I snapped a few pictures. Facebook was simple enough to fill out some form boxes and add a few tags that I was done and posted within minutes. Actually, I was waiting for the Facebook reviewers to approve my post when I was hit with three messages offering to buy my item. One requested I deliver it to them in a city over 20 minutes away on a good day of traffic. The other wanted to give me a fraction of what I was asking for, granted I posted more than I was willing to accept just to see if I could get it. He was offering less than my secret limit but he was willing to come pick it up. Lastly was a very sweet individual who offered more than I had hoped and was willing to meet today. I chose the last one while keeping the short changer on the line just in case my buyer didn’t show up. I waited anxiously for the time to meet up at the police station for the exchange because anything could have gone wrong and I hadn’t smoked weed yet that day. Nerves were frayed but I showed up and the lovely buyer was a woman about my age who was buying the Switch for herself. The whole exchange went seamlessly and I left with my money in Venmo.

If you remember from earlier, my one bank account was severely overdrawn, but I have two others I could have put the money into. Even though I am usually an alert driver and I was in front of the police station, I pulled up Venmo on my phone. I attempted to transfer my funds as fast as possible. You know, in case there was a way to reverse a payment on Venmo. I had barely eaten that day. Maybe a banana and a hard boiled egg with my morning coffee. To add that all up, I was anxious, hungry, too warm (it was in the high 80’s outside and I’m a wuss with heat), driving, and not making good decisions. I clicked the instant deposit for the nominal fee and without checking which bank, clicked the submit button. Little did I know that only Fifth Third Bank allows for the instant transfer compared to Ally and my other bank account. Well, I lost $177 of the $270 she paid me instantly. Never getting that money back. What upsets me the most isn’t the flub on my part but that I wanted Taco Bell. All the money that was left went in minuscule payments to my various credit cards and I’m left with $2 again.

I hope this story will inspire you to make better choices so you don’t have to end up like me. I sold most of my electronics just to pay a ridiculous bank fee. I know I don’t have any sage advice but I have given you a few ideas of what not to do. Hopefully next week’s blog will be a little more uplifting. Take care, reader.