Tag: death

Running Away

May 22, 2025

TW: grief, illness, suicide, depression

I love where I live. I grew up here and only have spent four years away. I’m the definition of a townie. I’ve grown so much here and have had so many experiences. But, I want to leave. 

I know that my desire to move from where I’ve always lived is a form of running away from my problems. As much as I love it here, I’ve experienced the worst of my life just as much here. Except the absolute worst moment of my life, the moment I tried to end myself, wasn’t actually experienced here. 

But, that aside, what I’m going through now is still insane. I know I’ve spoken of it before or at least I believe I have. My mother is sick and I am stuck here to take care of her. I know I’m not the first person to experience this and I won’t be the last but I feel so alone. My mother was the source of a third of my trauma but now she is completely dependent on my care. All I want to do is leave. 

It’s crazy to think that my whole life has been dictated by other people. Any control I’ve ever felt has been perceived. I lived where I lived because of my parents. I went to school for what my parents wanted me to do. Until college, when I tried to go on my own. And look how that ended up. I loved psychology but it took me nowhere. 

I truly wish I could move to Canada. It is getting fucking scary here. But I can’t. Not only because I owe the government over $100k in student loans and my credit is in the 600’s, but because I can’t leave my mom. And she voted for this mess.

I’ve been going through a lot

April 9, 2025

Trigger warning: death, grief

I am experiencing what I truly had hoped wouldn’t happen. But what is hope really but a promise to yourself to be sorry later. Nothing works out the way you expect.

It isn’t permemnt, this grief but it’s still a phase that is necessary to enjoy the good parts of life better. The light is that much brighter after experiencing the dark. But what if what you had was that light in the dark?

The darkness that won’t cease. The darkness that can only get darker before getting better. But it is dragging so long that the brief light that I experienced is all the much more obvious that its missing.

The beginning of my writing from today was about this man I lost contact with who was an amazing part of my life for a short period of time. I wrote about him when we first started talking in a prior post (if I’ve left it up). We started off so great that I knew it wasn’t going to end well.

Also, my mom is very sick and has been sick for a long time. She has a degenerative, chronic disease that has rendered her completely disabled. She has no use of her limbs and she cannot lift her own head. I care for her occasionally when my father needs to travel. The immense pressure I’m under when I’m responsible for her well being is straining me. It’s not her fault and I don’t blame her for it but the burden is real. The worst part of all of it is that this disease will never get better, her only relief will be death. So, the poem above is mostly about how I have to experience her death before I can start to move on. I will miss her but my life is on hold until she passes. I know she knows this and so I don’t burden her with complaining. I just write vague poetry on WordPress while on an edible after my migraine treatment. Goddamn.

Sorry for my downer of a post today. Like I said, I’ve been going through some stuff. Take care, dear reader. Appreciate what you have now since it won’t be around forever.

(Copyright photo to https://www.gabewasylko.com/social.html#/)