Tag: depression

Life minus (some) meds

February 10, 2024

[TW: food, body image, dieting, weight discussion. I recognize I grew up in privilege and never experienced socioeconomic situations where hunger happened because there was no food. I struggled with money in my twenties and had to go hungry a few nights or live off oatmeal for a week but I always had safety nets. This post is solely my opinions on how I grew up and how that affected my relationship with food.]

I’ve been having issues with accessing my doctors lately. I’ve had many appointments pushed, by months, recently. I am leaning on the hope that everyone in the hospital system is just doing their best and this is just an unfortunate circumstance but it doesn’t remove all the frustration. One of these appointments was with my psychiatrist.

I was recently put on mirtazapine and stopped taking trazodone for mood/sleep coverage. Mirtazapine was supposed to cover what I was going to lose with the trazodone. But mirtazapine came with more than just some okay-ish sleep, I got a new emotion, fake hunger. Yup, I became hungry at all times. I woke up hungry, I went to bed hungry, I was hungry right after eating. It wasn’t normal.

Maybe it’ll get better?

My life’s motto

I’ve been on some restrictive diet probably around 20% of my life. Being overweight since age 9 will do that to you. I know what hunger feels like. Whether it be weight watchers and their point system to zone diet with their zones? I don’t remember. Neither really took. It wasn’t until ozempic that I truly discovered comfortable weight loss.

I’ve lived my life believing that weight loss had to hurt. You had to be punished for being fat. Your life was too indulgent and you need discipline, now learn to starve. Do you know how much it messes with your head to ignore a basic human need? My body wants food and I can’t eat it. To this day, I ignore bodily signals like having to pee for hours on end because “I can’t possibly have to pee yet.” (I blame ADHD for that.)

“I can’t possibly be hungry yet,” was a thought I never wanted to experience again, so, I spent the last 4 years eating what and when I wanted, regardless. I topped off at 322lbs at my heaviest and it wasn’t until this miracle drug, Ozempic, that I’ve ever been able to lose any significant weight. (I’m at 40lbs so far.) And I don’t feel hungry on it. I actually had a side effect of forgetting to eat at all then almost passing out from hunger. (Whoops.) That faded while my body got used to the drug and now I eat a normal amount of food to a small bird. It’s almost like a gastric band in a shot. I was able to be restrictive without the gut wrenching, soul crushing pain.

The mirtazapine brought back the hunger I was without for over 6 months and with it all my feelings of inadequacy and triggers came back too. I actually would feel hungry after just consuming anything. It was impossible to know when I actually needed food or was being tricked by this medicine.

As a child, I had a doctor tell me medication doesn’t cause weight gain. “Pills don’t have calories,” That was his excuse to shame me for my weight. I have been on hormonal birth control and antidepressants since I was 16. I was also 200lbs and 5’8” in the early 2000’s. I was fat and it was all my fault was the general message from everywhere. Society, peers, parents, doctors, gym teachers. But this new medicine might as well be served with a side of ice cream.

Pills don’t have calories.

My childhood doctor

Around the time I started mirtazapine, I was losing around 2lbs a week, consistently. I would have been on Ozempic for 7 months by then. Within the first 2 weeks of mirtazapine, I gained 2lbs. I not only stopped my descent, I pivoted and gained weight. It devastated me.

I decided to wait for my psychiatrist appointment to bring this up because my life’s motto is, “maybe it’ll get better?” It didn’t.

Then, my appointment was pushed two months. Thankfully, I am able to message my doctor through a patient portal. I explained the situation and he promptly (within 2 business days) messaged back to stop taking the mirtazapine. Full stop. There was no, “and start back on trazodone.” I’m just stuck now, in medication limbo, not sure if I will be able to sleep ever.

My only redemption is that I still have my adderall prescription. This is for a future post but I’m pretty sure I have always had ADHD/neurodivergent tendencies and not fitting in, being shamed when unmasking, and being exhausted from all of that is why I’ve been depressed since I was 9. Now, I’m learning how to live with the correct treatment and I would have to say, it’s not too bad.

Thanks for reading.

Weight-Dependent Love

October 24, 2023

It started yesterday afternoon, this migraine I’m nursing at the moment. I feel as if my brain is splitting down the middle, like a watermelon in a vice. The ringing in my ears indicates that I’m probably dehydrated. This isn’t a new concept for me. I’m always in a state of mild dehydration, then I’m confused when I exert myself at all, I almost pass out.

I’ve spent majority of my life (over 25 years) overweight and less of a person in the eyes of society. I wish I could go back to when I was in high school and convince myself that I was beautiful and my parents are assholes. It was my parents who started my body image issues, the people who were meant to protect me turned against me and thus, I turned against myself. This is a longer story than I am willing to type tonight.

With my caregivers lacking in emotional competence and shame-based parenting tactics (Catholic Boomers), I’ve learned that I am not worthwhile, I am a burden unless I’m spending all my time as a corporate shill and obsessed with my weight. Every living second is meant to focus on what you eat, when you eat, how much you eat, how much everyone else is eating, and finally the guilt from eating at all.

This became a me problem as much as a my family problem. I can see it directly in my mother the torture she went through with her mother. I see it in my mother’s sister and her daughter the way we all talk about ourselves, our bodies, and other people’s bodies. It’s toxic.

This is devolving. A good thing is that my therapist wants to start focusing on my body image issues. Growing up in the late 90’s/early 00’s was rough on little fat me with society valuing thinness over average bodies. Everything was “super model thin this” and “cocaine diet that”, all over the news, magazines and godforbid my crutch through childhood, tv. (TV was my ADHD coping mechanism growing up.)

The reason I write about this today is that I’m still plagued by fears of rejection based on my body. Everything comes down to my weight. In reality, I think it matters less to the people in my life than I make it out to be. I don’t have to make excuses for the way I look but I feel like I do. I can’t shake the feeling that just existing needs to be apologized for. The cognitive dissonance is deafening.

I live in a constant tug-of-war in my mind. I am confident and motivated one moment but also, hate myself and feel like a burden at the same time. It’s exhausting. No wonder I rely so heavily on cannabis, it stops the in-fighting.

This is where I leave you, dear reader. I hope I made some sense because I have no idea what’s going on. 🫶✌️

ADHD

June 20, 2023

I was semi-officially diagnosed with ADHD on my 35th birthday. I still need the report to be completed but I received a verbal confirmation. Good enough for me.

When the doctor told me that I had ADHD, I was surprised at how upset I felt. I went in knowing that I fit under the neurodivergent umbrella pretty comfortably, and at this point, I was convinced I had it. The sensation of hearing the diagnosis was like a pit in my stomach. There was a hollowness in my core. I think the doctor noticed that I was not responding well. We spent the last half of the appointment exposing childhood trauma through drawing pictures to cheer me up. It felt like a shadow was over me.

While growing up, I was always treated like I was lazy and not trying hard enough. I skated through school. I was smart enough to be in honors classes, but I was pulling solid B’s without much effort. There has been a lot of trauma around my “potential” and never being enough. What I’ve been learning through therapy, is that I was dealing with some serious mental health issues hindering me since I was young. It was true that I wasn’t “reaching my potential” but I was given the wrong tools.

My drive home from the specialist was long and filled with much dissociation. I can’t remember when it started but I started to feel relief. I was almost lighter somehow. It wasn’t my fault. I am not inherently flawed. That was a huge revelation.

My self esteem is so low though. How low is it? It is so low that not even Megan Thee Stallion knees could reach this floor. (Relevant reference)

I am waiting to hear back about treatments and interventions for the newly found ADHD but for now, I’m just telling everyone who will listen. Take care.

It’s been 3 years…

March 2, 2023

This seems like a simple picture of a statue at the art museum, but this showing up on my feed today really threw me for a loop.

I was taken right back to that exact moment I took that picture. It was 3 years ago. I had gone to my happy place, the local art museum, it’s somewhere that I could, and still can, be alone and think. This was a huge moment for me and my journey though. I had been unhappy in my long term relationship for months and this moment, on the same day I took this photo, I had decided to leave him.

It doesn’t seem like a very long time, especially since we had been together for 6 years. I think I officially ended the relationship almost to the week of our 6 year anniversary.

Was it the right choice? I think so. I definitely have doubts and regrets but I do feel like I have grown so much as a person and figured out who I am since I left.

I still wish only for the best for him and I hope he finds his true love and happiness. I don’t know if that twinge of guilt will go away with time every time I see a photo “memory” on my many apps from out time together.

Take care, dear reader.

Self-Care Sunday

November 27, 2022

Hello, friends. I wanted to drop in and post about this product I started using that had changed my world.

I’ve always dealt with poor skin. I had many strikes against me with a genetic double whammy of acne and bad hormone control, along with [many] medications since I’ve been a teenager. My skin was doing the best with what I provided. I would get deep, hormonal acne from age 12-30+ which resulted in a slew of cheap, early-millennial, skin-care routines and striping chemicals.

Up until recently, I’ve been neglectful at best with my skin care routine because I can now. Well, I shouldn’t but I do. One of my worst symptoms of depression is not taking care of my hygiene. Which is super frustrating but I haven’t worked through that completely, yet.

Which brings me to today. I got a great promotion and raise at work before Thanksgiving. Wonderful news but it ignited my imposter syndrome, hardcore. I’m excited though, to be able to afford to indulge in something for myself. Of everything to invest in, I chose, skin care.

I got myself a starter set of Clinique products from one of their Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals. Of all the products I received, this was the clear winner in my books.

Clinique Moisture Surge

This is a product I endorse because as a neurodivergent individual, I appreciate the feel of everything. For me, at least, I’m big on textures and tactile stimulation.

I find this moisturizer to be both as a product and the results of my skin are pleasant to the touch. The moisturizing gel is silky and smooth. The results for the first few hours are dewy plump, healed skin, as if the silkiness of the gel fused with my acne-scarred visage.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice cream lotion for my hands and body. It causes a heaviness on my face that becomes frustrating. It’s a sensation I have trouble not obsessing over, I can’t block it out when I’m trying to talk all day. I end up touching my face a bunch and causing breakouts.

This product is very well rounded and worth the cost, in my opinion. Lastly, this is not an ad, I really believe in this product.

Christmas 2021

December 23, 2021

Since 1997, A CHRISTMAS STORY has played non-stop for 24 hours starting Christmas Eve.  

I would start my Christmas marathon of A Christmas Story on Christmas Eve by watching the first half of the first showing of the movie.  Trying to hear the audio between the enthusiastic shouting of my New Jersey family. We were in a cramped space that somehow fit around 17 people, mostly out of sheer determination and Christmas magic. All of us would try to have separate conversations that spanned distance and in full disregard of overlap. My aunt was the best at relaying her exact feelings, at the top of her voice, to my semi-deaf grandfather, from one end of the space to the exact opposite end. This would occur above all of our other conversations. The shrill emotionality of her frustration was exasperated by my uncle, her brother, taunting her about just about anything just to get a rise out of her. It was absolute chaos and I look back on my time with my family fondly. Even though I know at the time I was overstimulated and cranky. 

The next day, my immediate family would fly back to Ohio from New Jersey and at Newark Airport, I would get to see A Christmas Story in bits and pieces while waiting for our flight. It was a constant that helped comfort me when my immense social anxiety flared. The flight was only an hour and I would get super excited when we flew over the Cleveland skyline. 

When we finally arrived home, I always ran for my stocking first. My stocking would be filled with Malley’s candy and scratch-offs, basically the two things that make Christmas worthwhile for me. By this point, I had probably seen only A Christmas Story through once and some change. 

Shortly after I destroyed my scratch-offs, usually only winning $20, we would drive across town to see my other aunt and her family for Christmas dinner. She would make something great like ham or prime rib and the BEST mashed potatoes. Somehow, I would still fill up on chocolate and olives. I don’t know when it started, but black and green olives have been an appetizer of every family function for as long as I can remember. Then, to cap off the night, we would watch the end of the last A Christmas Story showing. All of this Christmas joy would happen within 24 hours. 

The movie, A Christmas Story, was the thread that connected my Christmas experience every year, the disjointed, multi-family, celebration marathon that it was. I waited until the last minute to enjoy this movie this year because I was afraid of my reaction. I knew I’ve been bottling all my emotions about this Christmas. I have to spend my first Christmas without my family this year because I have COVID. Instead of continuing to depend on my coping skills, I needed to process this change. It’s my hope that one person who may make it this far in my rambling and who has to celebrate the holidays differently this year knows that you aren’t alone and your feelings are valid, regardless if they are positive or negative. Christmas can be a wonderful time for some and I hope everyone finds a little happiness this year. 

Learning to write well

October 17, 2020

Hello, dear reader. I hope you’ve been surviving and thriving. I am starting a new book that I’ve had sitting on my book shelf for two or so years. “On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft” -Stephen King. I’m hoping that this will be a step in the best direction for me to develop any skills in writing.

I have about ten drafts in my phone of blog posts I am hoping to develop soon. One day. Take care, reader. I still appreciate you.

Sunday Clouds

October 4, 2020

Happy Sunday, dear reader. Welcome back. I inadvertently took some time off for self care. I hadn’t planned it but it was much needed.


Today, I am sitting here with my coffee and a sativa weed pen watching the Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes. It got me thinking about how we are obsessed with the tortured genius figure. Most of the time it’s a man, like Sherlock Holmes, Dr. House, and others based off that theme. I wonder why these figures are revered in media but in person, they would be rejected. I’m sure someone has written a thesis on Sherlock Holmes and all the adaptations. I’d be interested to find it. If I do, I’ll share it here.


I’m finally done with TMS. The tech was so kind that she made a “Last Day of Treatment” sign. What I’ve learned through this whole treatment process is that depression is going to happen, regardless of whatever treatment I’m on. I got really depressed at one point, I even tested out a way to kill myself at one point. I’m not going to get into how but just know that I am better now. So, even though depression will never go away for me, I know that I am strong enough to get through it. I’m so glad to have gone through TMS because it showed my 32 year old ass that I CAN be happy. I am capable.

Hopefully I get back into a rhythm of writing again. l’ve missed talking into the void and not knowing if it will talk back. Take care.

BPD

September 24, 2020

I had this whole post on Borderline Personality Disorder and why I’ve been obsessing over one of the guys on Impractical Jokers. Then I deleted it all. I couldn’t stand the way I sounded. I’ve been super hard on myself lately. And I’ve been using more and more weed just to pass the day.

Depression wins today, again. Sorry for the short post.

I Refuse

September 21, 2020

In today’s post, I’m going to get real vulnerable. I am lonely. I’m surrounded by family and friends who love me but I feel like I’m missing something. This ache is exasperated by the current stress I’m experiencing. I feel that I need someone to hold me and say everything will be okay. Unfortunately, there is no one who I trust enough to believe them if they said that. That’s what I’m missing, someone I trust wholeheartedly. Also, I have learned that you have to be that person you trust. You have to be that person because no one will be around you forever except yourself.

I refuse to settle romantically anymore. I refuse to ignore red flags. I refuse to withhold my happiness just to stay with a person. I have to take the lessons I’ve learned to try to prevent as much heartache as possible. This reminds me of how instead of taking chances or learning to deal with my problems, I put all my energy into preventing pain. It isn’t possible to prevent pain, ever. I think my future therapeutic work is going to focus on dealing with the pain and not preventing it. In the end, creating pain to prevent pain just doubles the pain in the end. Hashtag inspired thoughts. (I crack myself up.)

This is going to be a short one today. I’m still dealing with the effects of fatigue from depression and especially since my financial situation has caused so much stress for me, I’m a wreck and can’t focus very well.

Take care, dear reader. I still appreciate you.