Tag: Love

How it’s been going, I guess

June 11, 2025

TW: sexual assault, body-image

I have come to realize that men aren’t that complicated. I’ve spent way too much time trying to figure out if a man was attracted to me or pining after the ones who obviously weren’t. If a man wants you, he will let you know. They tend to not be coy and try to trick you, they will be upfront. Even the shy ones will show some sort of attention to you.

I’ve always been on the uglier side, especially growing up in the early 2000’s and being bigger. (Even though I think society was too hard on me. I wasn’t that ugly as a teenager from looking back on pictures.) I have had the worst luck with romance.

Because of my body-image, I’ve only received attention from men in the most toxic and self-centered ways. I’ve only been with one good man and we couldn’t work it out. He gave up on me long before I ever gave up on him.

But beyond him, I have had no good experiences with men. I’ve had too many times where I was pressured into sex. I don’t considered it rape but I was definitely manipulated when I didn’t want to have sex. That has for sure added to my pelvic floor trauma response. I don’t know if I have endometriosis or if I have too tight of a pelvic floor, but sex hurts and honestly, has kind of sucked most of my adulthood. This is probably why I’ve been okay being celibate for the last 3 years. I just don’t miss men.

I did have someone I was interested in briefly in the recent times but he fell off the face of the earth. Just my luck. So, I’m back to building high emotional walls and just being a cat lady.

1/29/25

January 29, 2025

Have you ever felt some sort of happiness that it scared you? It scared you because it was new, different, and could be taken away. The kind of happiness that actually warms your heart. Its comfortable and what home should feel like. Not like the home I grew up in. I didn’t know what this could feel like before you.

I’m guarded because this feeling could truly wreck me when it goes away. I’m afraid to actually feel this emotion. If I let it in, it will make space in myself. A space that will be vacant one day. Left as a cold emptiness.

But am I doing this feeling a disservice by not letting myself experience it? Even though it will be gone one day, it is here today. I need to stay in the present, leave the trauma responses in the past and promise myself the best of futures.

I Refuse

September 21, 2020

In today’s post, I’m going to get real vulnerable. I am lonely. I’m surrounded by family and friends who love me but I feel like I’m missing something. This ache is exasperated by the current stress I’m experiencing. I feel that I need someone to hold me and say everything will be okay. Unfortunately, there is no one who I trust enough to believe them if they said that. That’s what I’m missing, someone I trust wholeheartedly. Also, I have learned that you have to be that person you trust. You have to be that person because no one will be around you forever except yourself.

I refuse to settle romantically anymore. I refuse to ignore red flags. I refuse to withhold my happiness just to stay with a person. I have to take the lessons I’ve learned to try to prevent as much heartache as possible. This reminds me of how instead of taking chances or learning to deal with my problems, I put all my energy into preventing pain. It isn’t possible to prevent pain, ever. I think my future therapeutic work is going to focus on dealing with the pain and not preventing it. In the end, creating pain to prevent pain just doubles the pain in the end. Hashtag inspired thoughts. (I crack myself up.)

This is going to be a short one today. I’m still dealing with the effects of fatigue from depression and especially since my financial situation has caused so much stress for me, I’m a wreck and can’t focus very well.

Take care, dear reader. I still appreciate you.