Tag: love life

My journey with ADHD (not comprehensive)

September 14, 2025

I remember in high school and beyond, I kept thinking I was Bipolar based on my impulsivity and other manic-like habits. ADHD was nowhere near my mind until my 30’s. It took until it was officially my 35th birthday for me to be diagnosed with ADHD.

I can’t believe how far I got in life without the proper diagnosis and treatment. I was so messed up for so long and I truly believe my potential suffered. I wonder where I would be if I knew sooner. Maybe I’d be in a fulfilling relationship unlike the crippling loneliness I deal with now. Maybe I would feel more confident in my career and abilities? I know I shouldn’t dwell in the past. I have enough to dwell about in the present.

I’m not sure where all this is coming from. I guess it doesn’t have to come from anywhere. These feeling exist and are valid. I am still grieving for my lost potential and chance at a different, more accepting life. But I appreciate where I am now. I am leaning into the weird aunt vibe for my sweet niece and my future other niece.

Having children around now really reminds me of how much life has changed and how much it will change in the future. I only hope the future gets better from here. We owe it to the next generations to learn to be kinder to each other now.

Picture from IG: myvictoriannightmare https://www.instagram.com/myvictoriannightmare

How it’s been going, I guess

June 11, 2025

TW: sexual assault, body-image

I have come to realize that men aren’t that complicated. I’ve spent way too much time trying to figure out if a man was attracted to me or pining after the ones who obviously weren’t. If a man wants you, he will let you know. They tend to not be coy and try to trick you, they will be upfront. Even the shy ones will show some sort of attention to you.

I’ve always been on the uglier side, especially growing up in the early 2000’s and being bigger. (Even though I think society was too hard on me. I wasn’t that ugly as a teenager from looking back on pictures.) I have had the worst luck with romance.

Because of my body-image, I’ve only received attention from men in the most toxic and self-centered ways. I’ve only been with one good man and we couldn’t work it out. He gave up on me long before I ever gave up on him.

But beyond him, I have had no good experiences with men. I’ve had too many times where I was pressured into sex. I don’t considered it rape but I was definitely manipulated when I didn’t want to have sex. That has for sure added to my pelvic floor trauma response. I don’t know if I have endometriosis or if I have too tight of a pelvic floor, but sex hurts and honestly, has kind of sucked most of my adulthood. This is probably why I’ve been okay being celibate for the last 3 years. I just don’t miss men.

I did have someone I was interested in briefly in the recent times but he fell off the face of the earth. Just my luck. So, I’m back to building high emotional walls and just being a cat lady.

1/29/25

January 29, 2025

Have you ever felt some sort of happiness that it scared you? It scared you because it was new, different, and could be taken away. The kind of happiness that actually warms your heart. Its comfortable and what home should feel like. Not like the home I grew up in. I didn’t know what this could feel like before you.

I’m guarded because this feeling could truly wreck me when it goes away. I’m afraid to actually feel this emotion. If I let it in, it will make space in myself. A space that will be vacant one day. Left as a cold emptiness.

But am I doing this feeling a disservice by not letting myself experience it? Even though it will be gone one day, it is here today. I need to stay in the present, leave the trauma responses in the past and promise myself the best of futures.

I Refuse

September 21, 2020

In today’s post, I’m going to get real vulnerable. I am lonely. I’m surrounded by family and friends who love me but I feel like I’m missing something. This ache is exasperated by the current stress I’m experiencing. I feel that I need someone to hold me and say everything will be okay. Unfortunately, there is no one who I trust enough to believe them if they said that. That’s what I’m missing, someone I trust wholeheartedly. Also, I have learned that you have to be that person you trust. You have to be that person because no one will be around you forever except yourself.

I refuse to settle romantically anymore. I refuse to ignore red flags. I refuse to withhold my happiness just to stay with a person. I have to take the lessons I’ve learned to try to prevent as much heartache as possible. This reminds me of how instead of taking chances or learning to deal with my problems, I put all my energy into preventing pain. It isn’t possible to prevent pain, ever. I think my future therapeutic work is going to focus on dealing with the pain and not preventing it. In the end, creating pain to prevent pain just doubles the pain in the end. Hashtag inspired thoughts. (I crack myself up.)

This is going to be a short one today. I’m still dealing with the effects of fatigue from depression and especially since my financial situation has caused so much stress for me, I’m a wreck and can’t focus very well.

Take care, dear reader. I still appreciate you.