Tag: poor financial choices

Stress

November 15, 2025

I’m losing my mind.

I am so stressed out over everything that anytime I don’t get enough sleep, I turn into a weeping mess. Everything sets me off. Especially commercials. They are meant to elicit an emotional response and damn do they work on me lately.

Let’s go through some of the shit I have been dealing with, in no particular order:

  • The government is actively trying to harm all of us. There is no easy way around it, it’s terrible.
  • My mom is still sick and I’ve been feeling extra guilty about not spending more time with her.
  • I’m on the brink of financial ruin. I have no savings and I’m still trying to buy Christmas gifts. I have so much debt and it’s becoming crippling again.
  • My job isn’t guaranteed especially with bullet point number one. We depend on pharmaceutical companies and if they lose money, we lose money. I don’t have a backup.
  • I might have to move in a few months. If my roommate can’t get a job (she’s been trying for YEARS) We will have to downsize. I love my apartment. It’s just too expensive for one income.
  • (Update: How could I forget?!) I’m also desperately touch starved. I have no one in my life I allow to give me affection. I’m never hugged and no one, except my cat, gets near me.

All I want to do is sit around and catch up on my TBR list. I have so many books I want to read but no attention span anymore. So, I just smoke weed and cry over Great British Bake Off.

My journey with ADHD (not comprehensive)

September 14, 2025

I remember in high school and beyond, I kept thinking I was Bipolar based on my impulsivity and other manic-like habits. ADHD was nowhere near my mind until my 30’s. It took until it was officially my 35th birthday for me to be diagnosed with ADHD.

I can’t believe how far I got in life without the proper diagnosis and treatment. I was so messed up for so long and I truly believe my potential suffered. I wonder where I would be if I knew sooner. Maybe I’d be in a fulfilling relationship unlike the crippling loneliness I deal with now. Maybe I would feel more confident in my career and abilities? I know I shouldn’t dwell in the past. I have enough to dwell about in the present.

I’m not sure where all this is coming from. I guess it doesn’t have to come from anywhere. These feeling exist and are valid. I am still grieving for my lost potential and chance at a different, more accepting life. But I appreciate where I am now. I am leaning into the weird aunt vibe for my sweet niece and my future other niece.

Having children around now really reminds me of how much life has changed and how much it will change in the future. I only hope the future gets better from here. We owe it to the next generations to learn to be kinder to each other now.

Picture from IG: myvictoriannightmare https://www.instagram.com/myvictoriannightmare

Regrets(?)

June 27, 2025

I have many regrets in life and that is probably the root of my depression. Two major ones include not being a theater kid in high school and not being a librarian.

I was forced by my parents and teachers into doing march band for five years. I would have been eight but I didn’t get into the college marching band and was allowed to quit after my freshman year of athletic band (supports hockey/basketball instead of football). Now, don’t get me wrong, I had a bunch of friends and had fun throughout my marching band time. What I regret is not being able to be in the theater club in high school.

I love plays and musicals. I would have thrived as a theater kid. But my parents’ ambition for me to be in the college marching band overshadowed my desire to try out for the play. I just wanted to make them proud. I bought into the hype just to find out the college band was a toxic, gaslighting, alcoholic environment. I’m glad I got cut from tryouts.

I tried to quit band between middle school and high school but my band teacher refused to let me. I was decent without trying very hard. I was first chair French horn in high school mostly because I was the only person willing to learn how to play the French horn. I really wish I did choir though. I loved my voice more than I enjoyed being in band. But it wasn’t my choice to make.

I bet I would have been miserable in choir though. My high school choir was what the “cool” clique did for their art credit. I was a fat, neurodivergent, actively traumatized at home child. I barely fit into marching band and that was where the rejects were. They were my people. So, I guess I shouldn’t regret marching band. I just resent that it wasn’t my choice.

Second major regret was not pursuing library sciences for a career. I mean, I guess in retrospect, I would have hated being a librarian. I hate children. I’ve hated children ever since I was a child. They are always thrust upon me when I’m around them since I am a woman? People just trust me when their offspring? It’s annoying.

But back to library sciences, I was encouraged to look for a lucrative career in college. In defiance of my parents, I went into psychology. I was a victim of a barrage of “you won’t make money in psychology.” It was all my boomer parents cared about. I was misunderstood most of my life, so, studying psychology made sense as I tried to understand the misunderstood.

I never wanted to be a therapist. I recognize a weakness of mine is unregulated emotional sensitivity. I am super empathetic and take on everyone else’s mood. I burned out as a rape crisis advocate after a year. I would suck as a therapist and would have burned out super quickly. I wanted to go into research. I wanted to help remotely. Not hands on.

Aaaand back to library sciences again. I love books. I’ve loved books since before I could read. It was one of the only things my father did to benefit me. To show any sort of caring. Books are a passion of mine.

Monetizing a passion doesn’t always work out though. Especially with adhd. I would have moved on by now. The fact that I have 8+ years in my actual career is a marvel. I give up and move on so quickly. I hate that part of myself. I don’t know how to fix it. My apartment is filled with half-finished projects and crafting materials I never use. It’s a problem.

So, regret is a misnomer, I’m content with where I am. Every decision I’ve made has lead me to finally being comfortable in myself.

Thank you, dear reader, if you’ve made it this far, for sitting with me while I process all of this. I appreciate you. Take care.

Coca Cola #2

May 26, 2022

Here’s more pretentious garbage I’ve written:

I have always wondered what are memories? Our whole being is meat and electricity. How does consciousness work? There has to be something out there. Something that connects us all. We are not individuals. We experience the same stimuli. Our realities are so different because of our experiences. Each new experience changes the filter of how you see life. Some for the better and some the more opaque. I feel that my lens has been clearing up lately. I know more about myself and how I act. My general behaviors and where I want to be. But do I know where I want to be? I really don’t because I don’t have a sense of self. My identity has been lost to the constant need to please others. I built each layer around me to form into every situation and relationship I’ve ever been in. And since my earlier formative years were around narcissists, I have no sense of myself. All that mattered was them.

I’m starting to return. I can feel the small irritations throughout my meat suit. My foot feels like a nail has fallen through the top. My arms feel like they are wrapped in barbed wire. I still can’t feel myself. How would I know?

That’s all, folks! See ya next time!

Generic Title

September 18, 2020

I’m torn, dear reader, I want to keep this blog going but I’m having a lot of trouble coming up with content. It shouldn’t surprise me that I would have trouble keeping up a blog on my depression, because I’m depressed.


I am almost done with my TMS treatment. (If you don’t know what I’m referring to, go a couple posts back for some great information.) But, I have only a few more treatments left and I’ll be done. You may think to yourself, but, Marie, you just said you’re depressed, does that mean it didn’t work? That is a great question. I still believe that this treatment has been a saving grace for me. The reason I believe I’m sad again is because my one medication was reduced recently. Also, the stress in my life has been increasing tremendously. I feel more capable of handling this stress. Before TMS, with this amount of stress, I would be in the fetal position in my bed, day and night. I am currently able to live my life without crying every two minutes and I am able to function at work. The only real signs of stress I’ve noticed are my chronic headaches are back and I’m having the strangest dreams.


I’ve been having the worst stress about my finances again. I don’t know how I owe so many people so much money. My bank also kept refusing my rent payment to the point that I’m being threatened with eviction. I mean, for fucks sake, EVICTION?? I was an honors student in high school, solid B student in college, I have a Master’s degree! I have been focused on the wrong priorities my whole life. All my accomplishments feel like nothing lately. This is why I feel depressed.


I am not using my therapy skills to maintain my composure as well. I’ve been eating nonstop sugar. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned yet, I’m diabetic. My blood sugar this morning was 200. That’s not good. This could be why I am having headaches. And the nausea. Oh wow, I’m having a realization as I write this. I need more vegetables in my life.


In summation, my life isn’t going well right now, therefore, my writing is suffering. I hope you are all doing well. Be safe and take care.

Initial Thoughts Part 2

August 17, 2020

Back to the cliffhanger from last week. There are many different options to sell your junk. Online is most popular but also is the most likely for you to be scammed out of your money and tech. The first website I tried was Decluttr. Everything seemed to be going great. I was getting top dollar for my tech and even some money on old DVDs. My total was going to be a cash payout of around $270. Cash. That would be important in my decision to go with them. The other options included Best Buy and GameStop. The problem with those retailers was that I would only receive credit to the respective store. What was I going to do with $200 of GameStop credit if I was selling my Nintendo Switch? That store was dropped very quickly, which left me with Best Buy. Their website was very easy to use and promised me a great amount back for my tech. A positive was there were a lot more options for future purchases at Best Buy than GameStop. So, I made an appointment and reformatted all my devices.

Now you might be wondering to yourself, “But Marie, what about Decluttr?” Dear reader, I did not forget about Decluttr, they forgot about me. I committed to selling to them and did all the electronic paperwork to get my money. When it came to downloading the “Welcome Pack” as they put it which had the shipping labels, the pdf was not only blank but also not the correct file extension. To be honest, I’m pretty sure I have some sort of malware on my computer from trying to open the file. I did what any desperate individual would do, I contacted Customer Support. Not only was I sent a generic email based on a few keywords in my message, they claimed that if I replied above a line on their email, I would get a response. I did not. I got the same generic email sent to me three times with each response. I thankfully was able to cancel my commitment to them and hopefully won’t lose too much personal information to scammers.

Back to Best Buy. I went to my appointment looking like a lunatic with a cat tote bag full of wires and electronics. Everyone at Best Buy was very friendly and I got about $151 of store credit. For those of you following along, that seems pretty low, right? I was expecting about $270 from Best Buy but the team member clued me into a secret about my Switch. If I posted it on Facebook Marketplace, I could get over twice that Best Buy would give me. Now, I loathe dealing with people on marketplace websites. I’m always getting under bid and harassed about my product. I took a chance though and brought home my Switch to sell on Facebook.

Let me remind you, I walked into Best Buy with a tote bag full of electronics. No one stopped me at the door on my way in to ask what the hell was I doing and to my surprise no one stopped me from leaving to check my bag. I was 32 years old, white woman and was barely glanced at walking out of the store with what they could have thought was merchandise. If my roommate of color was with me or god forbid she went alone, I bet she would have been turned away. Now I can’t really in good conscious speculate that it was because I’m white or maybe even my kind eyes that got me through that door but it gave me pause.

I had my Switch all assembled on my floor with the half a dozen required accessories and too much cat hair to admit to, and I snapped a few pictures. Facebook was simple enough to fill out some form boxes and add a few tags that I was done and posted within minutes. Actually, I was waiting for the Facebook reviewers to approve my post when I was hit with three messages offering to buy my item. One requested I deliver it to them in a city over 20 minutes away on a good day of traffic. The other wanted to give me a fraction of what I was asking for, granted I posted more than I was willing to accept just to see if I could get it. He was offering less than my secret limit but he was willing to come pick it up. Lastly was a very sweet individual who offered more than I had hoped and was willing to meet today. I chose the last one while keeping the short changer on the line just in case my buyer didn’t show up. I waited anxiously for the time to meet up at the police station for the exchange because anything could have gone wrong and I hadn’t smoked weed yet that day. Nerves were frayed but I showed up and the lovely buyer was a woman about my age who was buying the Switch for herself. The whole exchange went seamlessly and I left with my money in Venmo.

If you remember from earlier, my one bank account was severely overdrawn, but I have two others I could have put the money into. Even though I am usually an alert driver and I was in front of the police station, I pulled up Venmo on my phone. I attempted to transfer my funds as fast as possible. You know, in case there was a way to reverse a payment on Venmo. I had barely eaten that day. Maybe a banana and a hard boiled egg with my morning coffee. To add that all up, I was anxious, hungry, too warm (it was in the high 80’s outside and I’m a wuss with heat), driving, and not making good decisions. I clicked the instant deposit for the nominal fee and without checking which bank, clicked the submit button. Little did I know that only Fifth Third Bank allows for the instant transfer compared to Ally and my other bank account. Well, I lost $177 of the $270 she paid me instantly. Never getting that money back. What upsets me the most isn’t the flub on my part but that I wanted Taco Bell. All the money that was left went in minuscule payments to my various credit cards and I’m left with $2 again.

I hope this story will inspire you to make better choices so you don’t have to end up like me. I sold most of my electronics just to pay a ridiculous bank fee. I know I don’t have any sage advice but I have given you a few ideas of what not to do. Hopefully next week’s blog will be a little more uplifting. Take care, reader.