Tag: stoned

Stress

November 15, 2025

I’m losing my mind.

I am so stressed out over everything that anytime I don’t get enough sleep, I turn into a weeping mess. Everything sets me off. Especially commercials. They are meant to elicit an emotional response and damn do they work on me lately.

Let’s go through some of the shit I have been dealing with, in no particular order:

  • The government is actively trying to harm all of us. There is no easy way around it, it’s terrible.
  • My mom is still sick and I’ve been feeling extra guilty about not spending more time with her.
  • I’m on the brink of financial ruin. I have no savings and I’m still trying to buy Christmas gifts. I have so much debt and it’s becoming crippling again.
  • My job isn’t guaranteed especially with bullet point number one. We depend on pharmaceutical companies and if they lose money, we lose money. I don’t have a backup.
  • I might have to move in a few months. If my roommate can’t get a job (she’s been trying for YEARS) We will have to downsize. I love my apartment. It’s just too expensive for one income.
  • (Update: How could I forget?!) I’m also desperately touch starved. I have no one in my life I allow to give me affection. I’m never hugged and no one, except my cat, gets near me.

All I want to do is sit around and catch up on my TBR list. I have so many books I want to read but no attention span anymore. So, I just smoke weed and cry over Great British Bake Off.

Grilled Cheese

August 30, 2025

Have you ever had a nostalgic experience while eating a certain type of food? Mine is the simple grilled cheese. Texas toast, American slices, and a buttery coating.

It brings me right back to college. My residence hall had a cafeteria in the basement and late at night they made the BEST grilled cheese. So simple but perfectly made. They didn’t always had it so it was special when they did.

I’m overwhelmed with this soft, comfortable nostalgia right now with the fall weather, back to school, and the first football game at my old college. It makes me so content. I want to create a time freezing bubble around this moment and keep it forever.

All over a simple grilled cheese.

I’ve been going through a lot

April 9, 2025

Trigger warning: death, grief

I am experiencing what I truly had hoped wouldn’t happen. But what is hope really but a promise to yourself to be sorry later. Nothing works out the way you expect.

It isn’t permemnt, this grief but it’s still a phase that is necessary to enjoy the good parts of life better. The light is that much brighter after experiencing the dark. But what if what you had was that light in the dark?

The darkness that won’t cease. The darkness that can only get darker before getting better. But it is dragging so long that the brief light that I experienced is all the much more obvious that its missing.

The beginning of my writing from today was about this man I lost contact with who was an amazing part of my life for a short period of time. I wrote about him when we first started talking in a prior post (if I’ve left it up). We started off so great that I knew it wasn’t going to end well.

Also, my mom is very sick and has been sick for a long time. She has a degenerative, chronic disease that has rendered her completely disabled. She has no use of her limbs and she cannot lift her own head. I care for her occasionally when my father needs to travel. The immense pressure I’m under when I’m responsible for her well being is straining me. It’s not her fault and I don’t blame her for it but the burden is real. The worst part of all of it is that this disease will never get better, her only relief will be death. So, the poem above is mostly about how I have to experience her death before I can start to move on. I will miss her but my life is on hold until she passes. I know she knows this and so I don’t burden her with complaining. I just write vague poetry on WordPress while on an edible after my migraine treatment. Goddamn.

Sorry for my downer of a post today. Like I said, I’ve been going through some stuff. Take care, dear reader. Appreciate what you have now since it won’t be around forever.

(Copyright photo to https://www.gabewasylko.com/social.html#/)

1/29/25

January 29, 2025

Have you ever felt some sort of happiness that it scared you? It scared you because it was new, different, and could be taken away. The kind of happiness that actually warms your heart. Its comfortable and what home should feel like. Not like the home I grew up in. I didn’t know what this could feel like before you.

I’m guarded because this feeling could truly wreck me when it goes away. I’m afraid to actually feel this emotion. If I let it in, it will make space in myself. A space that will be vacant one day. Left as a cold emptiness.

But am I doing this feeling a disservice by not letting myself experience it? Even though it will be gone one day, it is here today. I need to stay in the present, leave the trauma responses in the past and promise myself the best of futures.

Coca Cola #2

May 26, 2022

Here’s more pretentious garbage I’ve written:

I have always wondered what are memories? Our whole being is meat and electricity. How does consciousness work? There has to be something out there. Something that connects us all. We are not individuals. We experience the same stimuli. Our realities are so different because of our experiences. Each new experience changes the filter of how you see life. Some for the better and some the more opaque. I feel that my lens has been clearing up lately. I know more about myself and how I act. My general behaviors and where I want to be. But do I know where I want to be? I really don’t because I don’t have a sense of self. My identity has been lost to the constant need to please others. I built each layer around me to form into every situation and relationship I’ve ever been in. And since my earlier formative years were around narcissists, I have no sense of myself. All that mattered was them.

I’m starting to return. I can feel the small irritations throughout my meat suit. My foot feels like a nail has fallen through the top. My arms feel like they are wrapped in barbed wire. I still can’t feel myself. How would I know?

That’s all, folks! See ya next time!

It’s been a minute…

May 24, 2022

um, hi!

I always forget I have this place to post my work but here is some garbage I wrote:

Here we go. I’m in my zone with my music ready to go. As I sit here I wonder why my heart is so light and yet so fast. Like a hummingbird floating in my chest. My brain is the flower that feeds my heart’s form.

My skin is beading with sweat and the hummingbird works. The fierce ripples of motion that reverberates out into the universe. I feel the universe inside me. All of space is caught in my lungs. I breathe it. Swirls of consciousness, all except mine, are drifting around my head/soul/aura. It seems like there is going to be an earthquake in my soul.

The heat rises from my arms as I type. Trying to keep up with the whirlwind that is my mind right now is making them overheat. OR it’s the energy of my life seeping out. 

There is a sense of urgency in this song. A bustle of movement. But the heat. Like NYC in summer. I am not here. I am elsewhere. I am transported to anywhere beyond my reach. With that is a sacrifice of not being here now. Everything has a tracer. Movement is drawn in the sky by motions of atoms. The molecules that make up everything. I can feel them under my skin. The motion of blood and electricity. 

I am lost. I traveled too far. My sleep notification just went off but I know I am far from sleep. I’m being awoken now. In this instant, I can feel everything and nothing all at once. I’m detached from my hands and yet still, I control them. Softness, among the chaos. A sense of belonging in a world of loneliness. 

Chaos. I can’t contain the chaos. I flow with each change. Each motion of the water carries me further. I’m still warm. But now I’m in a hot spring. With nature. 

I’ve traveled again. I’m not sure where I am. A distant noise draws my attention. A clink of metal on taut string. It is creating music. A gentle rhythm underneath the spot stealing trumpet. I’m lost and feel like switching the song.

That’s it for now. Don’t worry, there’s more.

Day In the Life

September 4, 2020

Let me take you through a typical Sunday for me. First, I wake up around 7 or 8am, still incredibly stoned from the night before. All I was able to accomplish was food. So, I ate something especially sugary. Then, the next part depends on how stoned or hungover I was feeling that day. This past Sunday, I was able to take a walk around my neighborhood at 7am. It was pleasant and the weather was great. That’s all I really remember from that walk. And something about toilet snakes. I don’t believe I encountered a toilet snake on my walk, but I am convinced that the podcast [The Rad Dudecast] I was listening to was discussing them. I got back home and had the energy to put my laundry away and pick up my bedroom a bit. I was proud of myself and my accomplishments. I somehow made it to lay down on my bed and passed out for four hours. When I rose from the dead, I wasn’t sure who I was or what day it was anymore.


A different Sunday went a little more like this. I woke up, still stoned again. If I had taken any type of edible the night before, I am terrible with dosing so that I wouldn’t be incredibly messed up the next day. I still woke up around 8am though, and stumbled to the bathroom like a newborn giraffe who had just fallen out of the birth canal of the mother and couldn’t figure out gravity. Since I didn’t fall back asleep on the toilet, I finished up and made it to my living room where my roommate was sitting there, grossly awake. My head was so hazy that I think I held a partial, incoherent conversation with her stupid, awake ass (love you, appreciate all you do for me.) Realizing that I am not well, I picked my dizzy, vertigo having ass back up and made it to my bed, and slept until 3pm. This time though, I woke up refreshed and stable on my feet. Except, my day was gone.

This seems to happen every Sunday, and some Saturdays. As I look back while writing this, I think maybe I have a problem. I know I’m not physically addicted to weed but I 100% use it as a crutch for my emotional well-being. I have some skills developed over many years of therapy that I should be using to help myself but it is difficult when the physical symptoms of depression and anxiety take over. I can’t help myself feel good when there is a boulder of stress on my back. This is why I try to walk frequently. The exercise and nature help my stress but sometimes it’s not enough…

Take care, reader. Until next time.