Tag: suicidal thoughts

Running Away

May 22, 2025

TW: grief, illness, suicide, depression

I love where I live. I grew up here and only have spent four years away. I’m the definition of a townie. I’ve grown so much here and have had so many experiences. But, I want to leave. 

I know that my desire to move from where I’ve always lived is a form of running away from my problems. As much as I love it here, I’ve experienced the worst of my life just as much here. Except the absolute worst moment of my life, the moment I tried to end myself, wasn’t actually experienced here. 

But, that aside, what I’m going through now is still insane. I know I’ve spoken of it before or at least I believe I have. My mother is sick and I am stuck here to take care of her. I know I’m not the first person to experience this and I won’t be the last but I feel so alone. My mother was the source of a third of my trauma but now she is completely dependent on my care. All I want to do is leave. 

It’s crazy to think that my whole life has been dictated by other people. Any control I’ve ever felt has been perceived. I lived where I lived because of my parents. I went to school for what my parents wanted me to do. Until college, when I tried to go on my own. And look how that ended up. I loved psychology but it took me nowhere. 

I truly wish I could move to Canada. It is getting fucking scary here. But I can’t. Not only because I owe the government over $100k in student loans and my credit is in the 600’s, but because I can’t leave my mom. And she voted for this mess.

The Great Fall

November 1, 2024

TW: suicidal ideation

Once a few birthdays ago, I went to a show at a local mid-range theater. They had recently renovated and their stairs became a small death trap. They were slate tile stairs and someone had spilled beer on said stairs. My clumsy ass stepped in the beer, snapped my ankle, swung my legs up over my head while tumbling down the stairs. In a dress, no doubt.

I hit my head in the process but I can’t remember it happening. I had to have people tell me later that I hit my head. Well, I also must have scraped my knee at one point because my leggings were ripped. My shoe was lost and I was humiliated. I had royally biffed it in front of a mildly large audience.

What really stood out to me, not at the time, but especially now, was how I was able to stop myself from tumbling all the way to the bottom of the balcony. In my ADHD crisis brain, I was able to think to grab the handrail. I heard a voice in my head say, “Stop”, and I reached out and made contact. I was still upside down and absolutely panicked.

A medic had to come and tend to my ankle and scrapes. I refused an ambulance because I didn’t want to pay for it but ended up driving myself to the hospital. My head was not right and I barely remember being in the ER. They probably scanned me but I could not tell you which kind. I’m scared of head MRIs but if I were a gamblin’ man, I’d say I got a CT scan. Thankfully my brother was in town and was able to get me and my car home.

It was less than a month later, I was still experiencing concussion symptoms and ended up going to the psych inpatient against my will. I was sent by ambulance to the hospital from a doctor’s appointment, so, I ended up paying for an ambulance ride either way. I hate the US medical system. $800 because I told my doctor I wanted to die. I don’t blame the doctor, he was only doing his job. But it took me a while to pay off that bill.

No matter what the consequences of the fall, I am still haunted by that voice in my head that helped me stop falling. Where did it come from? Was it me or was something watching over me?

Believe what you want. Thank you, dear reader.