Lavender Skies

TW: sexual assault, body-image

I have come to realize that men aren’t that complicated. I’ve spent way too much time trying to figure out if a man was attracted to me or pining after the ones who obviously weren’t. If a man wants you, he will let you know. They tend to not be coy and try to trick you, they will be upfront. Even the shy ones will show some sort of attention to you.

I’ve always been on the uglier side, especially growing up in the early 2000’s and being bigger. (Even though I think society was too hard on me. I wasn’t that ugly as a teenager from looking back on pictures.) I have had the worst luck with romance.

Because of my body-image, I’ve only received attention from men in the most toxic and self-centered ways. I’ve only been with one good man and we couldn’t work it out. He gave up on me long before I ever gave up on him.

But beyond him, I have had no good experiences with men. I’ve had too many times where I was pressured into sex. I don’t considered it rape but I was definitely manipulated when I didn’t want to have sex. That has for sure added to my pelvic floor trauma response. I don’t know if I have endometriosis or if I have too tight of a pelvic floor, but sex hurts and honestly, has kind of sucked most of my adulthood. This is probably why I’ve been okay being celibate for the last 3 years. I just don’t miss men.

I did have someone I was interested in briefly in the recent times but he fell off the face of the earth. Just my luck. So, I’m back to building high emotional walls and just being a cat lady.